I’ve always been somewhat of a homebody. Even in my wildest-shortest skirt-highest platforms-yay tequila years, I generally preferred to imbibe at home, with my good friends, a few bottles of Arbor Mist (Strawberry Chardonnay, anyone?) and a good Road Rules marathon.

Home has always been a fairly relative concept to me though. I look back on my childhood, and the houses I grew up in? Are scattered over continents and cities and are of all shapes and sizes. The only similarities were the people in them and my ever expanding shoe closet.

Still, home…wherever it is, is my favorite place to be. I have my own little rituals, as I’m sure most of you do. I like to dance around my living room and kitchen to Girl Talk and old Janet Jackson (Ms. Jackson if ya nasty)…I like to take obscenely long and hot showers multiple times a day. I like to talk to my dog in really weird voices, watch Oprah and the Real Housewives because I can and I don’t have to share the remote, bake cookies at midnight and clean up the dishes the next day…or the next…and on that note, I like to clean. As in, get in that psycho-cleaning zone and scrub, polish and vacuum my lil heart out to the extent that it’s “probably” a metaphor for something else in my life but TOO! BUSY! CLEANING! to be bothered with that.

I like to talk on the phone loudly and video chat with my best friends in other states from my living room. I like to stumble through the front door, kick off my heels, change into pajama pants, throw my bra on the floor, take my make-up off, my contacts out and snuggle with my dog. No, wait…I LOVE that. LOVE. Also. WANT.

I like to drink bottles of sangria and watch Law and Order marathons while “working.” I like to sit outside on the dock with my sister and watch the ducks. I like to go grocery shopping and organize my closet and do workout videos in the dining room when I don’t feel like dragging my ass to the gym.

I like being home. I love going out and doing things and knowing home is just a short drive away.

I always thought I would meet the man of my dreams and we would eventually start a new home together-a place where I could do all these things and hopefully more domestic goddessy stuff because I’m not sure dancing around to 90’s R&B would win me the girlfriend of the year award. Although, maybe?

Well, I met the man of my dreams, and together, we’ve decided to live life a little bit differently. All of these out of this world experiences, stamps on my passport and amazing pictures don’t come without a bit of sacrifice, and sometimes…I miss having a home. My home. I miss being able to fully relax, I miss looking around and feeling proud of my humble abode, I miss my bed, my too cluttered closet and my bathroom stocked with every girly beauty product one could ever need…and more.

This whole post is one big, fat First World Problem, I mean, how terrible right? The poor girl gets to travel the world with the love of her life but she doesn’t have her couch wahhh. I realize it’s silly, and that I’m immensely blessed. Even more, I realize that my home is wherever he is. And even MORE, I realize how cheesy I am for saying this-but right now, the world is our home. Oyster? Home. Whatever. It’s amazing. It’s an adventure. It’s also a change…and change can be hard. I’m having a bit of a hard time with this one-but in a way, this hard time shows me I am making the right decisions. I’m a firm believer that when you are uncomfortable, you learn and grow.

When we are ready, we’ll stay in one place…we’ll make ourselves a (fabulously decorated ehem) home. Our suitcases will be stored away, we’ll have two cars in the garage, and we’ll probably sit outside and talk about that crazy time we lived as nomads, when we didn’t know where our next move would take us, and how much fun we had.

And then I’ll blast some Rhythm Nation and go clean something.

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It’s time for an adventure.

It’s time for me to shake things up.  To put my money where my mouth is (fingers are?) and take this lil life o’mine and really live it.

Understandably, I haven’t been the same since the incident. While my anxiety has been at all time highs, and at times, my self esteem at all time lows, the changes I’ve experienced haven’t been all bad.  Since it happened, I’ve realized that some cliche’s are so popular for a reason-namely, “You only live once.”

Verrrrry soon, I’ll be writing this little bloggy from a cabina in Costa Rica.  I’ll be surrounded by the jungle to one side, and the Pacific Ocean to another.  I’ve cancelled my gym membership and will be running on the beach, eating locally grown fruits and veggies, and kicking my own ass for not paying enough attention in High School Spanish class.  I’ll be cheering my boyfriend on as he surfs, and I’ll be really, REALLY tan. And yes,  I’ll also be working, A LOT…god bless the internet.

The actual beach outside our casa. NOT my actual boyfriend. Boyfriend is way cuter.

I think it’s important to note that what is right for me isn’t necessarily right for you.  For me, it’s this.  Traveling.  Experiencing different cultures.  Going NOW.  Taking a risk.  And doing it all holding the hand of the man I love.

I’m vaccinated.  I have a surplus of cuuute bikinis, thankyouverymuch Split.  I’m more than a little nervous-but as I look back on every BIG AMAZING THING I’ve ever done…I’ve always been nervous.  I’ve always had butterflies. I’ve never known exactly what’s going to happen.  But I’ve never let the fear of the unknown stop me, and I don’t intend to start now.
If you’re looking for some great swimwear then why not check out www.very.co.uk/ where there’s a great collection to check from.

A.N.Y.W.A.Y.S.
What are your favorite beachy beauty products?! The boyfriend is putting a limit on how much stuff I can bring (how rude), and I could use help narrowing it down to the best of the best. Maybe this is a post idea? Hmm.

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“If it was easy, don’t you think everyone would be doing it?”

I generally like to think of myself as someone who rises to the occasion.  Who looks no in the face and demands YES, and also NOW,with a toss of my (perfectly curled) hair and a freshly manicured hand on my hip.

I am not rising to any occasion, except that of pacing around my condo playing out all sort of completely counter-productive scenarios in my head.  When I hear no, my heart starts racing and anxiety makes herself comfortable and I no longer demand yes, but find myself timidly whispering it, and even I don’t believe myself.

My boyfriend and I are about to do something BIG, and life changing and it’s crunch time. We are almost there…literally.  Of course, this is when things go awry.  When I made a big mistake. My anxiety L-I-V-E-S for these moments, when I feel like I’ve let someone down (my personal hell), or yet another affirmation that I am in fact, NOT perfect (another deep dark personal hell), breeding negative thoughts that produce a negative reality.  A paralyzing reality, really.  I wrote much more on my struggle with anxiety here. Yeah, I’m a believer in your thoughts creating your world…and my thoughts have been my worst enemy this week.

I’m writing this more for myself than for anyone else.  Simply as a reminder, a public declaration of sorts…that I am a badass (and you are too).  A badass who is not perfect, misplaces things, gets trapped inside her head sometimes…but a badass no matter what. I think the true definition of badass is someone who makes mistakes, but then takes responsibility and fixes them.  Gets it done. Stands in line.  Sits in traffic. Asks for help. Sucks it up. Understands when her boyfriend is less than thrilled about the whole ordeal (why should he be?), but doesn’t push him away.

Today, I will not throw my wet hair up in a bun and run out the door in an old shirt and jeans.  Today, I will look like someone who has it all together.  I will fake it until I make it.  I will keep moving forward, keep taking care of business. Sink or swim-and I love to swim  Today I will toss my hair, I will demand YES, and I will believe in myself.  And I will get a gd manicure.

“Anything worth having, is worth fighting for.”

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Currently, I’m on the verge.
I also can’t believe it’s December. My calendar is starting to freak me out, but I really want to make a conscious effort to remember who, and what, really matter. Sometimes going to 2 cocktail parties in one night really does matter…but other times staying home and making Christmas cookies with friends matters even more.

Currently, I’m hoping the Lakers win tonight. Sore from all the running I’ve been doing lately. Taking a night off.

Currently, I’m so insanely happy and a little bit sad at the same time. I believe in focusing on the happy…but it’s important to listen to the sad too, acknowledge it instead of pushing it away, and be kind to yourself. Be kind to myself.

So much in my life is changing, and while change is usually a zone I’m unnaturally comfortable in, I’m having a hard time with SO MUCH CHANGE SO FAST. It’s good, it’s bad, it’s everything in between, and I feel overwhelmed, over extended and super impatient. I want it all to happen NOW. But I’m just trying to hold onto the everything in betweens, because that’s really where the magic truly happens. The little moments? Yeah, I don’t want to miss them.

Currently, can’t stop thinking about something a friend told me about challenges and tests and karma.  This is a blog post waiting to happen, I just can’t coherently translate it from my lil pea brain to wordpress quite yet, and I want to do her justice.  But I love when you have one of THOSE conversations with someone and it just makes so much sense…

Currently/always, I suck at outfit posts. This is from Thanksgiving Day, and seriously…excuse my grandparents garage as the lovely backdrop, I originally forced my Mom to take pictures in front of my grandpa’s gorgeous rose garden, but I felt like they came out totally contrived. Which maybe is beside the point? Or IS the point?  I think too much. ANYWAY, here’s what I wore on Thanksgiving.  Ya’ll can breathe now.

Currently obsessed with sweater dresses. So comfy. Was originally going to wear black tights and black boots, but a spur of the moment shopping trip on Thanksgiving Eve with Ali found me in OTK socks and my fav brown boots. I got these socks in grey, black and white…love love love. The dress and socks are Forever21…can’t find the dress online but they are everywhere in the stores. Black watch is Gucci from 09 I believe. Liz standard bangles and rings…I mean, I have no idea. I literally have bangles in my car.  SEE I’M SO BAD AT THIS. Regardless, Happy December from Bella and I. Sorry this post is such a hot mess.  Welcome to my brain right now.

OH and…currently, totally freaked the eff out because I’m transferring hosting services this weekend…so if the blogs down, that’s why.  I’m so excited…I’m soooo scared.

Since I LAG and my blog is going to be down, I haven’t wanted to post this years Badass Christmas List yet…but here is last years.  I basically still want everything on it.

XOXO!

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You may find this shocking, but I don’t talk about everything here.  I think as a family we can all agree I share a ton of personal stuff and while I love doing it…I’ve been holding out. I haven’t told you guys about the ONE THING that makes me want to vom/cry while rocking back and forth in the fetal position whenever I think about it…the thing that makes me panic when I realize how fast time is flying…the day I never really thought would come.

I turn 30 in 94 days.

I honestly have been trying to be completely rational about this. Ever notice how when you have to “try” to be “rational”, it never works out?  Just me? Awesome. Anyways, I know it’s NO.BIG.DEAL. But last night, I was looking at my blog stats and whoa, there are some creepy people in this world, but that’s another post entirely, I digress.  Second to “Monday is a whore” , my Badass Christmas List has been bringing a lot of traffic and at first I was all, ” Awww yay I can’t wait to do it again this year” because that was SUCH a fun post to do last year…but then I was all, “Ohhhh shit, that means it’s almost Christmas which means it’s almost New Years which means it’s basically my 30th birthday, stab stab stab.” In summary.

I’ve never been big on the whole life list thing that is so popular in blogland. I totally get it, and appreciate the idea but I like to let life kinda just happen.  Probably because absolutely nothing in my life has ever been predictable, or boring, and I’m immensely blessed in all that I’ve experienced in my 29 years.  I’ve traveled, I’ve started my own company, I’ve taken risks, I’ve been spontaneous…and that was just on Tuesday. But in an effort to take control of turning 30 rather than allowing it to continue to control me…

30 Before 30.
1. Take myself out on a date. All alone. I’m the girl who’s never been to the movies alone, or a “real” restaurant. I blame this on having a twin sister and a lot of friends…but this has been on my “list” for a long time. I’m scurred. I need to get over it.
2. Run a full marathon. This was already supposed to happen, but life happened instead…
3. Submit the damn book proposal.
4. Have ridiculously scandalous (yet classy) pictures taken…just because.
5. Snowboard down a black diamond. See also-do not die.
6. Host a fabulous dinner party for my closest friends where I “Liz-ify” normal recipes to make them uber-healthy and actually taste good.
7. Go to the Grand Canyon. I can’t believe I’ve never been.
8. Volunteer. Probably for victims of sexual assault. Or puppies.
9. Buy a new pair of Loubies. Happy Birthday to me.
10. Dance on the center bar at MGM in Vegas. (Long story)
11. Hike Half Dome.
12. Go 48 hours without checking my phone/email.
13. NYC Fashion Week 2011-for fun, not work.
14. Become a mentor to a young girl (or guy) who wants to work in the fashion industry.
15. Spend as much time with my grandpa as possible.
16. Splurge on the most expensive lingerie ever…and maybe I just end up wearing it to Whole Foods…but there’s something to be said about how sexy underwear makes you feel.
17. Do another cleanse. Probably this one.
18. Give one of my best friends and her husband a weekend off by babysitting their 2 kids for an entire weekend…ages 2 and 5. Yep. Hold me.
19. Love. Even if it hurts.
20. Meet Wendy.
21. Georgia.
22. Hire an assistant.
23. Take a self defense class.
24. Continue to be brutally honest with myself, and others. In the nicest way possible, of course.
25. Actually take those MIT courses I blogged about months ago.
26. Take my mom out for a crazy luxurious spa day.
27. Reach out to a few friends whom I’ve lost touch with…and Facebook doesn’t count.
28. Run for half an hour at 9.2.
29. 100 “man” pushups.
30. Celebrate my 30th surrounded by the best friends and family ever…in new loubies…possibly on the bar at MGM…see what I did there?

Peace out, 20′s.

Happy week, lovebugs. xoxo

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In case you were losing sleep over what’s going on with me…:)

• My first personal training client is down a dress size! HOLLER! You may know her-she’s kind of a big deal-but we’ll save that for the big reveal.
• I can’t decide between these 2 pairs of black boots.  Help. I mean, I could get both considering the price, thank you Forever21, but NO. Leaning towards the first pair…Thoughts?
• My 86 year old grandfather (aka MY HEART AND SOUL) passed his Drivers Test today! His license was up for renewal and let’s just say, my whole family was a little nervous.  I talked to him after and hearing how happy he was made me teary.  I’m SO glad he still has his independence. And don’t worry, he is the best driver ever. And my heart still melts when he calls me “Sweetheart” …I feel 6 again. I can’t wait to see him on Thanksgiving.
• I once posted a shirt that said “Let’s Talk Shit” (I still NEED it-by Married To The Mob-if you find it for me I will love you forevers), and received a comment from a new blogger I didn’t know, who owns the shirt-hello, soulmate. Fast forward almost a year and I don’t know what I would do without her, she’s a real lifer for sure. She has just shut down her blog, but will be making appearances on mine frequently. ONE DAY THIS SHIRT WILL BE MINE!!!! 
• On that note-all of my “real life” closest friends I have met via blogging. It’s basically online dating for girls who love shoes, have opinions and live their lives out-loud. I just met Amy a few weeks ago, and I’m SO glad she moved here-she’s AMAZING and we clicked instantly.  And now she’s stuck with me.  
• Today (Thurs) I’m making black bean brownies. So…we’ll see how that goes. Anybody tried this? Brownie mix + Can of Black Beans=WE SHALL SEE!
• It’s Lakers season! Meaning, if you follow me on Twitter I apologize in advance. I GO CRAZY.
• I love a boy but he’s not my happy ending. And you know what…that’s ok. He’s funny as hell and gives me butterflies, and sometimes that’s all a girl needs.
• My High School Crush (omg that post was SO long ago) is now my best friend. As in talk everyday, hangout all the time, picks me up when I’m down, makes me laugh and tells me he loves me even when I’m not being very loveable, gives me guy advice and listens to me rant and rave about shoes, jeans and my hair. The memory of being TERRIFIED to walk by him in the hallway at school makes me laugh-and makes him laugh even harder, jerk. He chose to spend his birthday last month with me…just him and I and it was really special, and no, we are not going to date.  While I no longer have a crush on someone I don’t know, I now have a friend whom I love more than life. Hi Ryan. It’s nice to be reminded of the good guys, no?
• I take mirror pictures at the gym when I think nobody is looking. Hi, my game? NO SHAME.
• I’m not dressing up for Halloween this year and it feels SO good! Saving on money and stress and skankyness! Woo!
• I’m dying my hair dark choc brown today! Mmmhmm chocolate. Lily Aldridge is the Hair-spiration. It’s Fall, time to go dark (like my heart bahaha)…and also, highlights are just a pain in my ass and my wallet-my hair grows so damn fast and roots make my OCD flare up…Let’s hope it looks like this…
• I am SO excited about life you guys. I can’t wait to get my new site launched, I can’t wait to be 100% certified, and I can’t wait to share what’s worked and what hasn’t with you and hopefully help you achieve a healthy, BALANCED life!  I’m just happy, and feeling amazingly blessed and I hope you are too.

On that note, what’s up lovers?  Sorry I suck at commenting lately, but I DO read-usually late night on my berry and commenting from my phone is a nightmare.  But I know what’s going on…basically I’m Liz the Lurker. There! That’s my Halloween costume. Comfy pants? Check. Wife beater? Check? Green Tea/Wine/Sweet Tea Vodka? CHECK. Done and done. Trick or treat…

Love you. Mean it. xoxo

Also-New from me on We Love Dates…He Wore Flip Flops In The Rain, So I judged him.

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I don’t have any answers.
I don’t know what my life is going to look like next week.
I don’t know what state my heart will be in, I don’t know what color my hair will be (as soon as I get a hint of Fall I want to go dark brown again…stimulating, right?)
I don’t know if I’ll ever reach this magical place in my life where everything is “right”, when everyone and everything is in their respective places and I can stop worrying and working and wondering and using a lot of “W” words…

I used to think I had all the answers.
I used to NEED to know what my life was going to look like tomorrow, next week, next year.
I used to worry about my heart-about giving it away, opening up, and I used to change my hair when I couldn’t change or control something else in my life.
I used to think it an impossibility to be happy in a life where nothing is always right, and everyone and everything are always flying through the air, off the shelves, on rollercoasters and I used to worry about worrying and worry about working to be perfect and worry about what I was wondering.

Sometimes when I think I don’t have an answer, my best friends do. Or sometimes, I realize that I’ve been carrying around the answers with me this whole time, they’ve just been stifled by my constant questioning and noise. And sometimes…well, sometimes I remember that some questions just aren’t meant to be answered. And I chill.

Sometimes I embrace that I don’t know what I’m going to wake up to tomorrow, that I don’t know what life holds for me…sometimes I look back to what I woke up to last month, or last year…and then I look forward and am proud of how far I’ve come, and I get excited. And I chill.

Sometimes I still guard my heart too much, but sometimes I open up and give it away in the blink of an eye because it just feels right and sometimes I trust and sometimes I want to change my hair RIGHTHISSECOND but…I chill.

Sometimes I’m disappointed in how I used to think it such an impossibility to live a life where nothing is always “right”, because sometimes I am so thankful that I am on this roller-coaster and not in a minivan stuck in traffic, spinning my wheels…sometimes I catch the things and the people who are flying through the air– I hold onto them and I’m so thankful I have them, because if we’re all being hurled around grasping for little bits of “right”, I’m so blessed to go through all the “wrong” with the right people and amazing hair and sometimes I knock things off their “shelves” on purpose…just to see what happens, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but at least it’s never boring…

Sometimes I stop worrying and working to be perfect and worrying about how much of a worrier I am and wondering what people will think…and so sometimes I laugh my ass off, say inappropriate shit, have totally unproductive days, eat the cupcake instead of the Luna Bar, choose wine with good friends over 2 hours on the treadmill…sometimes I just decide to worry about it later, and silence the questions and the noise.

I laugh some more.

And I chill.

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Umami...Your mami...what...

Hi lovers and friends. How are you? I hope all is well. Better than well! AMAZING. UNBEWEAVABLE. K, Im done.

I swear, I always have this inner battle going on in my little pea brain when I’m out and about…like, “OHHHH I should blog about this!” and then, “Ughh I don’t want to be taking pictures for my blog, that’s so lame!” AND THEN, “I don’t want these people to even KNOW I have a blog, so pass.” Haha…clearly this lil piece o’the interwebs is still suffering from an identity crisis, and in the same thought as “Ohh I should blog about this” I also think, “I should just delete it, wait wtf I would NEVER delete it!” AND HERE WE ARE.

Day by day, dolls. That’s how I’m doing it in real life, and blog life. Day by mother effing amazing, stressful, tiring, exciting…day.

Lately-

I’ve been eating at some of the most YUMMY restaurants in LA/OC. I’m a creature of habit and usually find myself at the same places, so I’ve been making it a point to expand my horizons-and having a man in my life who always has a new place to take me certainly helps. I won’t bore you with all the places I’ve been stuffing my face at, but I do want to mention Umami Burger…Burgers are apparently the new cupcake, at least in Cali, where there is a new fancy shmancy gourmet burger place opening up every week. Umami was totally hyped up, so OF COURSE I dragged Dan with me to Hollywood to see if it was all it was cracked up to be. It was good. Super good, even. And hey, I’ve never met a sweet potato fry I didn’t like.

But seriously? Give this girl an In N Out Burger over all these hyped up joints ANYDAY. ANIMAL STYLE. Yep.

Lately-

I’ve been posting on We Love Dates! About fun stuff like getting matched with my STEPBROTHER on a dating site. Because my life is fun like that, and I’m really looking forward to the awkwardness over the Thanksgiving dinner table this year. I like to keep things interesting. Uh.no.com. On the We Love Dates note-TAKE MY SURVEY! Pretty please? It’s only 5 questions!

Lately-

I can’t wait for September. Blogging has brought THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE into my life and I get to see so many of them next month, some for the first time, some again. So while I’m hot and cold about how much to share here, I’m never wishy washy about how blessed I feel to be a part of this community-even if I’m not at the center of it anymore. Um, THAT? Was not supposed to sound as conceited as I’m sure it did. But whatever…my blog.

LOVE YOU, Mean it. xx

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I love my pool. Truly, madly, deeply.

Well, I guess it’s not technically “my” pool, because if we’re going to be technical, I live in one of like 300 condo’s and we all got a pool key along with our lease.

At least I thought we did, but I’m not quite sure because nobody is ever at my pool. In the summer. On the weekends, even. I’m fairly perplexed by this because the pool is freaking amazing-secluded and hidden by trees and a WATERFALL, but yeah, always empty. No screaming kids, never any obnoxious pool parties, or creepy guys. Although, when Kathleen was here and I was super excited to show off my pool, we went at 11 pm only to find a couple boning above a lobster. Boning. Above. A. Lobster.

The girl half of the couple turned out to be one of my sister’s (ex) co-workers. AWKWARD. And the lobster? I don’t know what to tell you. At first I thought it was a really big leaf, but Kathleen was all, no that’s a lobster, and yep-lobster. When I put a picture of the lil (but not THAT lil!) guy up on twitter (because this is the kind of fun stuff I do on twitter) Patty immediately said, “Oh it’s Sebastian” which made me laugh and start singing Under The Sea.

Anyways.
So, I know I live about 10 minutes from the beach, but in the summer I prefer my pool. I don’t like tourists, or aforementioned screaming kids and creepy guys and so my pool has been my second home this summer. Last summer I didn’t want anywhere near a bathing suit, so I didn’t know the amazingness that was right around the corner.

I had a phone call with a life coach* on Tuesday afternoon. Chew on that for a sec.

And, because my condo is “quaint” and my sister was home, and my dog likes to bark at the worst times and my tan lines were fading-I thought, hey I’ll take my journal, and my pen and have this uber personal conversation at MY pool, and yay for getting my life in order and I am so smart and cool and I’m on my way to AWESOME-VILLE.

Yeah, so have you ever noticed that RIGHT when you start thinking how smart and cool you are that life is like, “Muaahahaha let’s fuck with her! YAY! Silly Liz!”

Off I go to MY pool, fifteen minutes before my phone was supposed to ring, carrying my cute pink (and very unused) journal, my favorite pen and my blackberry and silently patting myself on my back for being so SMART and COOL to think of this plan, a bit nervous about how this call was going to go-basically, it was the life coach/client equivalent of a first date, eager to put my towel down, get comfy and be the girl who takes important meetings at the pool because hey hey betches, she’s so smart and cool and her life must be AWESOME.

I notice the gardner first, but no biggie…I choose a chaise lounge far from him. Then I notice the other gardners hiding in the bushes, working or something annoying. (THE NERVE!) And construction workers. And pool men. I hear the sounds of power tools and see the sparks the things make going against the other things. (Those ARE the technical terms.) At first, I actually think they’ll stop. Like, call it a day because the smart and cool girl is here and we’re being too noisy for her and her awesome life. But nope, they keep power tooling and yelling and disrupting my serenity. MY pool. I quickly realize that this is not going to work-there’s no way I can have a phone call with all this GD noise in the background. No worries, 7 minutes to walk back home. As I’m walking through the pool gate, all the sprinklers randomly come on. Not like normal though, obviously one of the serenity killing power tool yielding awesome life ignoring pool men gardner hybrids has cut the wrong cord and there’s no way I can walk through that. I can’t get my phone wet. And my hair. Priorities.

NO WORRIES.
I’ll walk the long way back to my front door. I forgot to mention that when I go to MY pool, I don’t wear a cover-up. I just wrap up in my towel. So, towel wrapped around me, I’m hustling towards home. I don’t want to be WALKING when she calls me, how lame would that be? Like yeah, I knew you were going to call me at this specific time all day and I couldn’t even manage to be STATIONARY? Nothing screams I need a life coach more then that. I quickly realize that all this walking, this movement is causing my bikini bottoms to start drifting down, down, down, towards my ankles. See, I’ve lost a significant amount of weight but have yet to invest in new bathing suits or summer clothes because I’m 1. not done and 2. buying summer clothes is SO boring. Tank tops, sundresses and even my beloved rompers just don’t thrill me like leather jackets and boots do. But I digress. So, my bikini bottoms are too big, plain and simple. And bikini bottoms aren’t like underwear, as in they DONT STAY UP. So there’s the totally smart and cool girl, dodging bees and wasps (screaming), clutching her blackberry, journal and pen in one hand, trying to pull up her bottoms and hide in her towel with the other, laughing at herself, walking/shuffling as fast as possible because it’s TIME! She’s supposed to call and I’m not home yet, and I’m losing my drawers and…

She calls. And she’s lovely and listens to me verbally vomit for about an hour, and asks the right questions that get me thinking and after rambling on about money, and the fashion industry and jobs and weight loss and men…I pause. It seems to hit me out of nowhere, this overwhelming need to tell her this, to allow someone else to know what I truly want, and what I’m so petrified I will never have-because the money, and the cool jobs and the skinnyness and the men-no biggie, been there done that, I’ll do it again…but this? This is the hard stuff.

“I just…I just want to live a life I’m proud of.”

And it’s almost like time stands still for a minute, like I stop breathing but I’ve never been more full of life at the same time, and this overwhelming calm comes over me when I realize what I’ve said, and more so, that I truly mean it.

I realize that I’m a hot mess, that things are falling apart, that I’m empty inside where I used to be full, numb where I used to feel so much, that I am completely and 100% tapped out. I realize that while I am pretty fucking smart, and amazingly cool (tosses hair), it’s not because I am laying out by the pool, laughing, taking notes, LOOKING LIKE I HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER and putting on a show for my life coach. I realize that all the sillyness and insignificance of my teeny pool adventure, wasn’t really that silly or insignificant at all, at least not for me, that for an organic and REAL conversation to happen, a new beginning, a harsh (but kind) look at myself in the mirror-trying to appear being smart and cool, even just to myself, would have hindered me.

So, I’m letting go of that girl, of trying to be her-because, let’s face it, I’ve never been her anyway and constantly trying is exhausting. I’m the girl who’s bikini bottoms are falling down, I’m the girl who’s blackberry went flying across the cardio room at the gym the other day, I’m the girl who cheated on her diet yesterday and made those cheese and crackers my bitch, I’m the girl who doesn’t know where I’ll be next week, next month…and even thinking about next year is just too terrifying at this point.

I’m also the girl who truly wants to live a life she’s deeply proud of, and as we discussed on the phone, I don’t know what that looks like right now, and starting the journey to figure it out is scary. I don’t know how to get there.

But I know that I will. And in the meantime, I’ll buy bikini bottoms that fit.

It’s like Frou Frou said…”It’s alright cause there’s beauty in the breakdown.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

*Dolls, this is probably the only time I am going to mention my life coaching-it’s a deeply personal thing, and I’m just getting started-there is a lot of work ahead of me-but anything worth IT takes work, right? Right. xo

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Hi…sorry for the “language.” But I kind of had to, considering the week I have in front of me! But first-HAIII DOLLS. It’s so effing late right now, I just ran 6 miles, super hyper and I was like, wow maybe I should blog-it’s only been 3 weeks. Sorry. Life and the pursuit of happiness have cut into my internet time. But that’s another story…

Anyways, what’s up with you?  If we’re twitter friends, AMEN. If not, GET THEE ON TWITTER. I want to know what’s going on, what you had for lunch, ya know, the usual twitter nonsense. I’m not sure if anyone even reads this blog anymore, but what the hell. I’m so excited I had to share! The emo-weavable girl smiles!

This week couldn’t be more amazing.  I am so ready to rock out with my umm…something out. Sooo Tuesday my lovebug Kathleen is coming from Vegas for a 2 night sleepover because Wednesday we’re going to see The Kings Of Leon and it’s going to be straight up amazing.Your Sex Is On Fire. And my my so are my panties. If you need to Use Somebody, I’m totes available. OK I’M DONE.

So yeah, 3 days with one of my besties, watching the Hills, skyping with Oughta (her blog is private. boo for you), girl talk, laying out (GET IT TOGETHER CALI WEATHER I HATE YOU AND EARTHQUAKES STOP IT), and KOL on a summer night. LOVES.

THEN! I have 2 days to recover because on Sunday I’m off to VEGAS! Where I get to see Kathleen again! WHAT THE AMAZING BUGLOVE. I know. My best friend of the penis variety/personal trainer DAN (Haiii Dan) is the biggest MxPx fan like ever.  They’re playing a once in a lifetime show at the Hard Rock Sunday night, and guess who he’s dragging with…me.  Punk show here I come.  Keep me out of the mosh pit, but don’t mind if I do bump into a few full sleeved skater boy hotties. Just sayin.Fine. Take me to Vegas. Twist my arm. I’m SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.  I hope the fans look like righty. Gonna get me a wolf pack…

Have a “rocking” week. I had to say that. Sorry.

Love you…mean it…and disabling comments because it’s just not fair since I have no time to reciprocate. I got rockstars and sleepovers and work to do. But I do miss you and hope all is well-I’ve been creepin. All together now…soooo I creep…yeahhhhh.

Time for bed. xoxo

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