Today would have been my grandpa’s 87th birthday.

I don’t miss him more today than I did yesterday, the only difference is my mom didn’t text me this a.m to remind me to call him and then text me multiple times that day making sure I did. I did, I did, I always did.

The man was loved.

The last time I had a long conversation with him was the day before I left for Costa Rica.  His health began rapidly declining almost immediately after I left, so I am forever grateful I had the opportunity to talk to him.  I told him all about Costa Rica and why I was going, reminded him that because I work online I can do it from anywhere (it can’t be just my grandparents who will never understand the internet), and told him repeatedly that I loved him.  I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes.

I was lucky to be partially raised by my grandparents. Those of you who are close to your grandparents might understand how special of a relationship it is. We were spoiled (hopefully not rotten, but that might be up for debate ), and life sometimes felt like one long summer. Much more important than all that however, were the life lessons my grandpa taught me.

Simply the best people I’ve ever known.

Work Hard. He was an Ex Marine and a retired crane operator.  He got down and dirty to provide for his family.  When I got started working, his first question to me would always always be, “How’s work?”  He didn’t always understand what the hell I was doing-Fashion, Public Relations, etc…but all that mattered was that I worked hard, no excuses.

Love Is Selfless. My grandpa wasn’t messing around when he said his wedding vows.  When my grandma got sick, he stayed by her side.  He loved her beyond words, so he took care of her, no matter what that meant.  He never complained and I never heard him wish anything was different, even when it meant the dreams for retirement he had worked so hard for were being put on hold.  Good-bye fancy custom home on the golf course, hello the best doctors money could buy. My sister and I were so blessed to be raised with such a glowing example of perfect love right in front of us. Soulmates do exist, and nothing comforts me more knowing that they are together again.

Keep Calm. I honestly can’t remember a time when my grandpa yelled at me…even when he taught me how to drive. With a sick wife, and two opinionated granddaughters to take care of, it’s expected he might have lost his cool from time to time.  The most I ever heard him raise his voice was at some talking head on CNN or while arguing politics with my step-dad over the dinner table.

Happiness Is A Choice.  I’d usually call my grandpa in the mornings, when he was sitting at the dining room table, drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper (and maybe sneaking a donut.)  I would ask him how he was doing, and he’d always say the same thing. “I’m great!  Doing just fine. Gotta be.  What more could I want?”  He wasn’t being sarcastic.  He was content, and he appreciated every moment.

Nothing Is Better Than Beer & Peanuts, and a Baseball Game. I used to love curling up in my grandpas huge, brown, leather man chair. Every night, after all his girls were in bed, he’d stay up late and maybe have a beer, definitely a few peanuts and hopefully catch a baseball game (or MASH or a western.) If I couldn’t sleep, I’d get up and sit on his lap.  After a day of being everything to everyone, it was these moments when I feel he was at the most peace. I’m now the only girl my age I know (besides my sis) who has seen every episode of MASH, thanks Papa.

It’s nearly impossible for me to write a post that truly captures what he meant to me, and to my entire family, so I wasn’t going to.  For the first time since I started this blog, my emotions were too intense to share. I don’t feel like this post does him justice whatsoever,  but what he taught me, even a poorly worded snippet of it, is worth sharing, even if it’s just so I never forget.

Happy Birthday, Papa.  I love you!

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So, I’ve found it’s harder for me to blog when I’m happy.
Not shocking…writing has always been my outlet when I’m bummed out or have a raging case of the emo-weavables. Writing is how I process, how I figure things out and move on.

I’m officially happy-and I know what some of you are thinking…“Cute new boyfriend, is that all it takes? Doesn’t she know a man shouldn’t make you happy? Hasn’t she blogged about that so many times herself?” Yes, yes I have, and obviously I know there is more to life than a hot guy in plaid. I’m happy for tons of reasons, but here’s the thing, dollfaces.

While my boyfriend is most definitely cute, he’s not new. It’s new in the sense that now we have labels, and OH SNAP it’s Facebook official, but my feelings for this person are not new. It’s taken both of us a long time to get here…while he was/is my best first date ever, and the kiss I’ve been waiting 29 years for (p.s WTF twitter? Deleting my tweets? RUDE), there were many, many times when I questioned what the hell I was doing. Times when I promised myself that door was closed, days when I’d have coffee with him in the morning and we’d have the most amazing time-the best conversations, the laughter…you guys, the laughter. But then, we’d go our separate ways and it was almost an out of sight, out of mind thing…except for me, it wasn’t. I’d make sure to have a date lined up for those nights, with some great guy who was ready. Someone who didn’t have anything holding him back, and would do just about anything to, for lack of a better word-woo me.

I had fun, for the most part…I like getting dressed up and being treated like a princess as much as the next girl. Newly single Ali and I even had a name for our summer of dating-cue Hall & Oates Maneater. It helped me forget about him, sometimes…but I can still remember certain nights. Nights where I wished it was him I was with, his hand I was holding so badly. And then I’d order another glass of wine and push the thoughts from my head. Friends referred to him as my “Big”, and yes, big fan of Sex and the City, but F’ that noise. Carrie and Big ended up together. We walked a fine line.

Like I’ve said, I kept coming back to him. But I’m not a masochist, and I don’t like feeling like shit on the reg, so I decided to take my Moms (and Oprah’s, I believe?) advice-”When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So I did. I kept dating other guys, some I really liked, and thought…maybe. I knew he was dealing with his own things, he was on his own journey and the only person who could take care of my heart was me.

And then the unthinkable happened. When life shaking events occur, it becomes ridiculously easy to distinguish the people who truly care from the people who don’t. The people who are going to be there through the good, bad and horrific. I’m fairly certain I don’t have to tell you that he was there, almost immediately, no questions asked. And he’s been here ever since.

I don’t think love is a fairy-tale, and I always say that anything worth having is worth working for. I had to find myself again after what happened, and he was dealing with his own struggles as well. We’ve fought, we’ve cried (I’m sure he’s going to LOVE that part), we tried just being friends…and best friends we are. Co-workers too.  Things evolved.  Normally allowing my life to become so intertwined with someone else’s would just not happen…but I believe.

I believe we both had to go through the hard times to get to where we are now. I believe when you know you know. I believe in second chances. I believe in that gut feeling…I believe in following it, and hoping for the best. I believe in taking chances, and I believe that people can change. I believe in this team we’ve created.

I believe in our long hugs, I believe in the comfort and security I have knowing I can say anything to him, I believe in the moments that are just between us, I believe we found each other when we did for a reason.

I believe in him. But more importantly…

I believe in us.

Click here to view the embedded video.

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I remember the good old days when I was such a dedicated blogger. Like, if a big weekend was coming up-for example, New Years Eve and I had outfits and shenanigans planned…I totally would have had 4 blog posts swirling around in my brain, outfit pictures taken, the whole thing. I had the “living my life outloud” b.s. on LOCK.

But I failed this weekend, ALTHOUGH I win the coveted “Had way too much Alize’ and fun” award, so that has to count for something, no? I’m sitting here, mainlining Emergen-c, dressed head to toe in my boyfriend’s clothing, listening to the rain (and Beyonce) and trying to figure out how to explain the fun that was The.Best.New.Years.Eve/Day.Ever.

I wish I had more pictures to share-and I should, considering I distinctly remember making said boyfriend go back upstairs and bring his camera with us on NYE…and then I promptly put it in my bag and put that bag in a guest room at the party we were at and yeah…so visualize with me, if you will.
{This one didn’t make the cut. Shocking. Not quite sure what’s going on here.}

Friday started off with taking pictures for the soon to be launched site. I know, I’m starting to feel like a cock tease at this point but seriously, it’s almost done. Then a little Kardashian marathon on the couch with Bella…and then-
-NYE party w/friends of the bf. Honestly, it’s just an excuse to get dressed up, and I love(d) my dress, and was having a phenom hair night. Very nice people and very toxic jello shots.
-NYE kiss…maybe the first one in a long time that meant something. You know-starting a new year with someone you love, together…vom.
-I like to keep it semi classy around here, but let it be known that we’re in that can’t keep our hands off each other stage-but then again, I don’t think it’s a stage with this one…and again, vom.
-Homemade breakfast burritos.
-Locked Up Abroad marathons.
-Modern Family.
-Beer at noon. Despicable Me.
-Naps.
-YUMMY Bolivian food. Who knew? So good.
-Alize’ and Champagne. The Thug Passion. It’s our signature cocktail.
-The Tudors. Now, this may be the Alize’ talking, but I LOVE the Tudors. Elizabethan porn? I’m all over it.
-Tupac. When In Rome. K-Ci and JoJo.

It was nothing extravagant. I looked TORE UP (no literally, someone said this to me. In related news-WHO SAYS THAT)…I barely put on actual clothes-what can I say, his sweats are comfy. We left the house once in 48 hours to get food…and Alize’.

It was perfect, and as cliche’ as it sounds…if this is any indication of how 2011 is going to be, I’m a big fan.

Tomorrow it’s back to the real world, although if you’re me that just means looking forward to the next something…I always, ALWAYS need something to look forward to. In this case, it’s my best friends birthday, followed by my boyfriends, followed by my own dirty 30. So while I’ll be back to 6 days at the gym, workworkworkwork and healthy eating (alllllllthough in my defense, I made him get whole wheat tortillas for the breakfast burritos), my life is really just one big excuse to get dressed up.

As it should be.

Happy Monday, lovebugs.

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You try to go to bed at a decent hour-aka before 2am, but your mind won’t stop running in circles, and so you get up and start to write.

You dyed your hair dark tonight, and suddenly you don’t look like her anymore…I mean, yes, yes you do-your hair is dark brownish red, not blue-but the reflection in the mirror has been altered and so you find yourself moving farther and farther away from her and you’re surprised to find how much anxiety this causes you.

You know it causes you anxiety because you replay that night in your mind over and over like a record stuck on repeat…and you were having such a great hair night-almost the perfected shade of honey blonde and unbeweavable curls. Your counselor tells you it’s “normal” to fixate on mundane details like this, but you fear she is just eager to tell you that just about anything you do, or say, or think is “normal” to prevent you from freaking out anymore or jumping off a ledge.

You might punch someone in the face if you hear “It’s normal” or “It just takes time” again.

You know it IS normal, and it WIll just take time.

You are surprised by the rage you feel (but it’s “normal”.)  You’ve never been a violent person, albeit a few incidences of hurling your heels across the room to kill a spider, and although you wax poetic about your “Colombian Fury”, you finally feel what it truly means to be livid in every bone and cell in your body.

You use this rage at the gym and on your runs. You are fueled by your need to be stronger, and to rid yourself of this anger-because you are not an angry person by nature, and it’s not a good look on you.

You start a new job and continue to follow your passions. You are proud of yourself and your accomplishments. You are exhausted and exhilarated all at the same time, and this confuses you so.

You love, the very same person you loved before, and you worry that he’ll decide you’re broken or tainted.

You realize that no matter your hair color, you are still her and underneath all your sadness and anxiety at this particular moment in time, there is a part of you who’s new dark hair makes you feel a bit more badass than before. You realize that talking about hair so much is silly, but you hope the amazing people who read your blog will understand it has nothing to do with hair color at all…it has to do with moving forward and letting go, and breaking free of the grip this thing has had on you and how freeing, yet terrifying it is at the same time.

You might cry yourself to sleep tonight, or you might crawl in bed next to your sister because you’re scared to be alone. You will not punch her if she says “It will just take time”, you promise.

You have been blessed with the most amazing friends on the planet, who are all going through their own ups and downs and losses and hurts and stresses, but have never once made you feel like a burden, so you will see their pretty faces before you close your eyes and be thankful.

You want to do something with this, you want to change the justice system single handedly, you want to help so many women.

You need to do something for you, you need to be patient with the justice system, and you need to seek solace in other women.

You look at the clock and it is before midnight, still time to get to bed at a “decent hour”…

You are not particularly religious, yet you will still look at your Grandma’s rosary hanging from your bedside lamp, you’ll take it down and fall asleep with it in your hand, and you’ll feel comforted.

You will hope for a good day tomorrow.  You hope it includes the one you love, but if not, a long run, new boots (went with #1, thanks dolls) and a cupcake will do.

xoxo

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In case you were losing sleep over what’s going on with me…:)

• My first personal training client is down a dress size! HOLLER! You may know her-she’s kind of a big deal-but we’ll save that for the big reveal.
• I can’t decide between these 2 pairs of black boots.  Help. I mean, I could get both considering the price, thank you Forever21, but NO. Leaning towards the first pair…Thoughts?
• My 86 year old grandfather (aka MY HEART AND SOUL) passed his Drivers Test today! His license was up for renewal and let’s just say, my whole family was a little nervous.  I talked to him after and hearing how happy he was made me teary.  I’m SO glad he still has his independence. And don’t worry, he is the best driver ever. And my heart still melts when he calls me “Sweetheart” …I feel 6 again. I can’t wait to see him on Thanksgiving.
• I once posted a shirt that said “Let’s Talk Shit” (I still NEED it-by Married To The Mob-if you find it for me I will love you forevers), and received a comment from a new blogger I didn’t know, who owns the shirt-hello, soulmate. Fast forward almost a year and I don’t know what I would do without her, she’s a real lifer for sure. She has just shut down her blog, but will be making appearances on mine frequently. ONE DAY THIS SHIRT WILL BE MINE!!!! 
• On that note-all of my “real life” closest friends I have met via blogging. It’s basically online dating for girls who love shoes, have opinions and live their lives out-loud. I just met Amy a few weeks ago, and I’m SO glad she moved here-she’s AMAZING and we clicked instantly.  And now she’s stuck with me.  
• Today (Thurs) I’m making black bean brownies. So…we’ll see how that goes. Anybody tried this? Brownie mix + Can of Black Beans=WE SHALL SEE!
• It’s Lakers season! Meaning, if you follow me on Twitter I apologize in advance. I GO CRAZY.
• I love a boy but he’s not my happy ending. And you know what…that’s ok. He’s funny as hell and gives me butterflies, and sometimes that’s all a girl needs.
• My High School Crush (omg that post was SO long ago) is now my best friend. As in talk everyday, hangout all the time, picks me up when I’m down, makes me laugh and tells me he loves me even when I’m not being very loveable, gives me guy advice and listens to me rant and rave about shoes, jeans and my hair. The memory of being TERRIFIED to walk by him in the hallway at school makes me laugh-and makes him laugh even harder, jerk. He chose to spend his birthday last month with me…just him and I and it was really special, and no, we are not going to date.  While I no longer have a crush on someone I don’t know, I now have a friend whom I love more than life. Hi Ryan. It’s nice to be reminded of the good guys, no?
• I take mirror pictures at the gym when I think nobody is looking. Hi, my game? NO SHAME.
• I’m not dressing up for Halloween this year and it feels SO good! Saving on money and stress and skankyness! Woo!
• I’m dying my hair dark choc brown today! Mmmhmm chocolate. Lily Aldridge is the Hair-spiration. It’s Fall, time to go dark (like my heart bahaha)…and also, highlights are just a pain in my ass and my wallet-my hair grows so damn fast and roots make my OCD flare up…Let’s hope it looks like this…
• I am SO excited about life you guys. I can’t wait to get my new site launched, I can’t wait to be 100% certified, and I can’t wait to share what’s worked and what hasn’t with you and hopefully help you achieve a healthy, BALANCED life!  I’m just happy, and feeling amazingly blessed and I hope you are too.

On that note, what’s up lovers?  Sorry I suck at commenting lately, but I DO read-usually late night on my berry and commenting from my phone is a nightmare.  But I know what’s going on…basically I’m Liz the Lurker. There! That’s my Halloween costume. Comfy pants? Check. Wife beater? Check? Green Tea/Wine/Sweet Tea Vodka? CHECK. Done and done. Trick or treat…

Love you. Mean it. xoxo

Also-New from me on We Love Dates…He Wore Flip Flops In The Rain, So I judged him.

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I don’t have any answers.
I don’t know what my life is going to look like next week.
I don’t know what state my heart will be in, I don’t know what color my hair will be (as soon as I get a hint of Fall I want to go dark brown again…stimulating, right?)
I don’t know if I’ll ever reach this magical place in my life where everything is “right”, when everyone and everything is in their respective places and I can stop worrying and working and wondering and using a lot of “W” words…

I used to think I had all the answers.
I used to NEED to know what my life was going to look like tomorrow, next week, next year.
I used to worry about my heart-about giving it away, opening up, and I used to change my hair when I couldn’t change or control something else in my life.
I used to think it an impossibility to be happy in a life where nothing is always right, and everyone and everything are always flying through the air, off the shelves, on rollercoasters and I used to worry about worrying and worry about working to be perfect and worry about what I was wondering.

Sometimes when I think I don’t have an answer, my best friends do. Or sometimes, I realize that I’ve been carrying around the answers with me this whole time, they’ve just been stifled by my constant questioning and noise. And sometimes…well, sometimes I remember that some questions just aren’t meant to be answered. And I chill.

Sometimes I embrace that I don’t know what I’m going to wake up to tomorrow, that I don’t know what life holds for me…sometimes I look back to what I woke up to last month, or last year…and then I look forward and am proud of how far I’ve come, and I get excited. And I chill.

Sometimes I still guard my heart too much, but sometimes I open up and give it away in the blink of an eye because it just feels right and sometimes I trust and sometimes I want to change my hair RIGHTHISSECOND but…I chill.

Sometimes I’m disappointed in how I used to think it such an impossibility to live a life where nothing is always “right”, because sometimes I am so thankful that I am on this roller-coaster and not in a minivan stuck in traffic, spinning my wheels…sometimes I catch the things and the people who are flying through the air– I hold onto them and I’m so thankful I have them, because if we’re all being hurled around grasping for little bits of “right”, I’m so blessed to go through all the “wrong” with the right people and amazing hair and sometimes I knock things off their “shelves” on purpose…just to see what happens, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but at least it’s never boring…

Sometimes I stop worrying and working to be perfect and worrying about how much of a worrier I am and wondering what people will think…and so sometimes I laugh my ass off, say inappropriate shit, have totally unproductive days, eat the cupcake instead of the Luna Bar, choose wine with good friends over 2 hours on the treadmill…sometimes I just decide to worry about it later, and silence the questions and the noise.

I laugh some more.

And I chill.

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Ohhhh haiiiii…
I MISS YOU. A little over 2 weeks of no blogging, barely any blog reading, rarely tweeting (although I made up for that this weekend like WHOA)…and a lot of thinking about what to do with this lil piece of mine.

First things first though-WHAT A WEEKEND. You know when you’re all, I just want to lay out by the pool and be mellow…and then you find yourself on 6 dates (some with the same person), staying out until 6am (I’m too old for this shit), running bleachers, shopping with the gay bff and buying a romper (A ROMPER. I have this new body kinda…and I guess that means confidence…which I guess means rompers? Help), meeting tons of new people, drinking, drinking, drinking, and then drunk tweeting oops, explaining said drunk tweets to your nearest and dearest girls who are all WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?, making out, and at the end of the 3 day madness cuddling on the couch with a hot guy who just seems to fit, watching the Bachelorette and laughing at his impersonations of  ”the weather man”, making plans for the future and wondering how the hell this happened?

Yep, yep. That’s me. Right now. If this is any indication of how Summer is going to be…I like what I’m seeing. I like it a lot. Starbucks drive-thru fish face with John-pre Whitney Houston sing a long, and yeah he’s wearing a headband.May I recommend some Fat Cat Pinot Noir? Meow.I’m dating a personal trainer. With an MBA. Who watches the Bachelorette with me. Just…let me be happy.

Anyways. I’m sure ya’ll are on pins and needles about what I’m going to do with my blog.  Well.  I’m not leaving you, but I am moving.  To Tumblr.  The last two weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about It’s Unbeweavable!, and what it means to me, and what I can realistically keep up with.  I can’t imagine my life without you (I wish I could quit you), but I also LOVE LIVING MY LIFE, without worrying about taking photos of every moment, or spilling my heart and soul out just for the sake of giving a good read.  On my new site, I’ll be doing more of a “Lifecast”-some days I’ll write, some days I’ll throw up a picture of my new romper, etc.  I’m getting it all set up, and I’ll let you know when it’s ready to go and I hope you like it!!  This is inspired by my all time favorite blogger, Julia Allison. So NO ABSOLUTELY NOT RETIRING!!! You’re stuck with me.

Anyways…I’m still here for now! And on We Love Dates!

Love you, mean it.  I hope you are all doing amazing.  I wish I could express how much you have touched my life over the past year and a half-there just aren’t enough words.xoxo

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Currently-Feeling at peace. The cupcakes landed (literally), and I’m moving on. Or I should say, keeping on.  I’m very optimistic about the future, about tomorrow, about TODAY, that I can’t help smiling. Thank you for all your support. I truly adore you.

Currently-Going blonde! Friday it began! No, not another post declaring my love for Taylor Jacobson, I’m not going platinum or cutting annoying, angsty bangs. I tend to freak out on Twitter while I’m getting my hair done. But whatever, I’ve been this light before, I’m not scurrred. It’s summer! This is my inspiration…UPDATE-we’ve reached the “honey blonde” stage and I have another appt in 2 weeks to lighten it even more.  You can’t go from dark brown to blonde in one sitting, without sacrificing length-something I am not willing to do right now.  

Currently-Nerding out and having major brain-gasms! So yeah, the same girl who just went on and on about her hair is also obsessed with MIT’s open courseware. Of course, I’m especially loving the lectures on Media Studies, but I got up early Friday to listen to The Society of Mind…and my mind was be BLOWN. Working out my brain as much as I’ve been working out my ass feels amazing. Working on myself inside and out…if that’s selfish, sue me…because I kinda love it. About damn time.

Speaking of, currently…down a dress size…OR TWO. (Feel awkward posting that. But HELL YEAH.) Someone actually didn’t recognize me the other day…I was all, “HI!!!!” and she was all staring at me like, who the hell are you, stranger danger and my inner monologue was like, wow ok…that was weird…hmm. Later on, I heard through my mom that she literally didn’t recognize me and said, “Wait, was that Liz?” That is a good feeling, ya’ll…and thus she is forgiven for being a total hooker

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot.”-Carrie, Sex and The City

Currently…I have some winners to announce.
The L.A girls coming with me to the Hollywood Sex and the City Party are my hot date Ali, my favorite lil sex kitten “J”, Danielle, Heather (my new workout buddy! Steven makes us cry at the same time-no blog but a reader…Hi HEATHER) and Gabby. Duh Gabby’s going. I am SO excited. I can’t wait to get to know these girls better, get dressed up and have an epic girls night out.
The Sex and the City NYC Tour tickets are going to the looovely Miss Kriss. (We should, like, coordinate. Just sayin)
AND! Jenn won the Carrie Diaries. Woot. Also? Everyone should go congratulate Jenn because she’s graduating from Tufts! And then let’s find her a job because she’s a mother-effing badass rockstar.

Currently-Self Promotion-I have a new dating post up! “What NOT To Say In The First Email.” Let me know if you agree?!

What’s up with you, Currently?! Last time I LOVED your answers. Sharing is caring. I wanna know!

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“I believe in WONDERFUL THINGS, and GRAND GESTURES, and AMAZING PEOPLE and loving with reckless abandon and putting yourself on the line when it counts.”-From the post I put up on Saturday, and subsequently, removed on Sunday.
I have never, ever deleted a blog post in the year + I’ve been holding it down over here. I’ve freaked out after hitting publish, and asked friends, “Ohhh maybe I should take that down?” But I never have, because my thinking was, well this is how I feel NOW. This is what I’m going through NOW, at this moment. Maybe this will help someone, or maybe I’m not alone.

Saturday I posted-probably one of my most personal posts ever…and Sunday morning I took it down. Not because I was afraid of what you guys would say-because the comments I had already received were amazing and supportive, but because it is just too painful for me to read, over and over. Too hard to get your wonderful comments on my blackberry and be reminded of what a very dark place I was in Saturday afternoon.  Too much, too soon. I also want to protect this-him-it, if I can. I will always use this blog as my place to vent, cry, share, inspire, laugh, be inspired…and I’m going to continue to write very personal posts, but at the right time.

Timing is everything…a lesson I am learning, the hard way. I’m learning how to be patient, and allowing myself to feel things completely without it resulting in a dramatic, unhealthy knee jerk reaction because some feelings are just so hard to understand and I really like understanding, and I get off on putting things in their respective boxes and handling shit and getting it done and making sure nobody is upset with me ever, and wanting answers NOW, and wanting him to love me NOW, and I hate it when you think things are o.k, but they actually really aren’t, and I thought I knew how I felt about this or him or it, but oh oh oh look, I actually DON’T and it’s all very exhausting.  See?

I know this post isn’t any less vague than the one I took down, and I apologize.  I do thank you for the emails, comments and tweets from those of you who noticed something was a little off with me this weekend.  Never, ever think for one second they don’t lift me up.

What do I do now?  I’m taking all these feelings that I don’t understand and giving them the time they deserve.  I’m letting go of situations I have zero power over and allowing the cupcakes to land where they may.  Giving myself time…and I’m going to be kind to myself.  Think about what I ACTUALLY WANT. I’m going to work! And work out with Steven 5x a week starting today!  And cry if I have to-either from my feelings or from Steven ha.  And sooner, rather than later, this shitty weekend will be a distant memory-but hopefully the lessons I learned won’t be.  I hope they are front and center. No matter what…

“I believe in WONDERFUL THINGS, and GRAND GESTURES, and AMAZING PEOPLE and loving with reckless abandon and putting yourself on the line when it counts.”

Love to you all…and sending positive thoughts to us all for an amazing week. xo

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via thanks to the beauty file

It’s hot in here.

Possibly because I currently have 3 appliances plugged in (blow dryer, flat iron, curling iron), all to achieve the effortless waves you like so much, and I realize that the next time I want to deny that I am high maintenance, I’ll just effing sigh in resignation. I concede.

I wonder if I’ll ever be a “wash and wear” hair kind of girl, and if not what does that say about me? Decide not to give it a second thought. Decide not to care what people think if I include that in a blog post. For now, it means I’ll have pretty princess hair for the day, so WIN.

I wonder if I can tell you how happy I am that you’re here. I wonder if it’s too soon to tell you that lately my blessings are feeling like burdens, but I’m working on it-I wonder if you’ll understand what I mean and not judge me. I wonder if you’ll care that a broken friendship of mine is mending and that makes me really happy. I wonder if you’ll ask the right questions, say the right things-I wonder how I’ll react when you don’t. I wonder what will happen when you read the.blog.

Make-up time. It’s amazing what a little Nars Orgasm blush can do. Orgasm. I wonder what it will be like…

I wonder what it will be like when I stop wondering and just know. Know exactly what you smell like after a shower, or when you wake up, or come home from a bike ride and my fabulous, albeit yoga pants clad ass pauses the Kardashians long enough to give you a hug, because I don’t care that you’re sweaty. In fact, I kinda love it. I wonder what it will be like when you know all my friends names, faces and life stories, who’s fighting with who and who’s opinions really matter, who (or who’s boyfriend) will come after you with a hockey stick if you hurt me. I wonder what it will be like when you have coffee (or a martini, knowing her) with my sister, alone, because she’s my world and I’m your world and they’re colliding.

I wonder what it will be like when we bridge the communication gap, the distance gap, the schedule gap. I wonder if we’ll ever completely bridge every.single.gap life throws at us, and I doubt it. I decide again not to worry about it, and instead just hold on to your hand tighter and jump. I decide that if I’m going to be doing all this jumping around, I should do it in style, so I buy these jeans. Something about jumping around screams, “BUY THE HUNTER BOOTS“ to me, so I do. I mean, maybe with all this jumping I’ll land in a puddle, and a girl has got to protect herself.

And if I stumble into that puddle sans the hunter boots, would you lay your coat over it to save my pink satin stilettos?

I wonder…

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