Alternative title-Well, this is awkward.

I’ve never really had to think about making friends. Before you roll your eyes, no it’s not because I’ve always been so oh my god popular! It’s because I was born with a built in best friend, a twin sister. From the jump, I’ve had someone to talk to, someone to relate to and experience life with.

And then, yeah, I’ve been pretty lucky in the friend department

Until now.

I’m sure my sister and friends who are reading this right now are like ummm…hi? But here’s the thing. I have friends all over the world…the girls I count as my best friends are in Southern Cali, Vegas, Arizona, Canada…but I’m in a new city where I don’t know a soul, and there’s really no fancy way to say it…I’m lonely, you guys. I visit home a lot and see my girls and my sister, and I know that where we are living right now is temporary, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t missing something.

I miss random chats at the Coffee Bean. I miss frantic last minute shopping trips when one of us just needs to buy something because…well, just because. I miss late night frozen yogurt runs with my sister. I miss gym dates, yoga dates and I miss movie nights where we’d drink wine and talk too much to possibly pay attention to the movie.

I miss face to face, in real life, laughing til you cry friendship. And even though our living situation is temporary, I want to make the most of it. Just because something is temporary doesn’t mean it’s not important, I mean hello, LIFE is temporary.

Now, ya’ll know that I adore my boyfriend. That when it comes down to it, he’s my bestest bestest friend. He’s great…he tries to fill in for the lack of girl time I’ve had lately, bless his lil heart. But I know he could give two shits about the Bachelor and if false lashes are in fact appropriate during the day (I’m still on the fence). Plus, I like to obsess about things a lot, it’s quite the hobby of mine and he just wasn’t born with that gene. I need an obsess-er buddy!

No matter how fantastic he is, a girl needs more than just her guy. And I know that it starts with me-I know that I need to get out there, that I need show up at the yoga studio with a smile on my face and be open. It’s just a little weird to be looking for friends at this stage of my life, you know? I feel like a creeper…like they’ll think I’m going to expect them to wear a super stylish promise ring or something…

Why is there not an online dating site for new friends? Oh wait, I think there is. It’s called the internet.

I mean, I hope you didn’t come here looking for answers, because I really don’t know. What I do know though is this experience is making me appreciate my dear friends a hell of a lot more than I ever have. When I tell them “I can’t wait to see you!” I don’t think they have any idea just how much I mean it.

I really, really mean it.

So for now, I’m holding on to that…to them, no matter how far away we all are from each other.  I’m holding on to the girls I can call at all hours of the day, the skype chats that almost almost almost feel like we’re in the same room, and the blessing of knowing that we’re all just a plane ride away.  We have an extra bedroom, ladies.

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“M’aimer pour qui je suis”-”Love me for who I am”…perfect note to self.

Over the past five days, my boyfriend and I haven’t eaten any processed or packaged foods, any added sugars, or any animal products of any kind. We haven’t had any alcohol, and my four cup a day coffee habit has been reduced to one (what kind of loser can’t fully give up coffee, you ask? hi, this one). Instead, we’ve been juicing a lot, becoming reaquainted with that “water” thing that is all the rage, trying out new vegan* recipes and getting our greens in as many was as possible.

Why? To recharge and reboot. To mellow out my sweet tooth slash raging sugar addiction that came back with a vengeance after eating all of the cookies and all of the see’s candy in all of the land last month. To give our bodies what they need, not necessarily what they want, because let me tell you, all it wanted was chocolate truffles, wine, and crack pie (me) or jameson on the rocks, bacon and cheese (boyfriend). Preferably all at the same time. In a burrito.

The goal?  Free up some space! Cut things out so there is room to let other things in. Not necessarily “good food vs bad food”, hell no- I’m not going to ever say that a green juice is any better than a big hunk of brie and a cold Imperial. Both are absolutely necessary, amiright?

But balance most definitely needed to be restored-inside and out.

Mostly inside.

Because who the hell cares what I’m eating? This whole “cleanse” thing goes farther, and deeper than just replacing salted carmel toffee (aka heaven in my mouth) with kale juice. I carried on the theme of cutting things out, the theme of dusting off and revealing my sparkle, of looking in a new direction, and made it my mission to give my mind, my heart and my spirit what it needs, not necessarily what it’s used to or comfortable with.

Shaking things up.  Just because I’ve been eating it doesn’t make it good for me, and just because I’ve been doing it or thinking it or hell, feeling it, doesn’t mean it’s ok.

Letting go of the worry and grasping on to hope and faith.
Putting the anger aside and holding on to acceptance and gratitude.
Shutting the hell up with the negative self talk and placing some intention behind those thoughts of mine. Loving myself for who I am.

Drinking my juice.
Eating my veggies.
Getting my sweat on.
Letting go.
Opening up.
Dusting off.

Making room.

*Heck no, I’m not going vegan, Mom. I have a hot, sexy date with some In-N-Out on Friday. We are gonna get down and dirty…Animal style.

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Wow, hi. I hope the holidays were lovely for you and yours.

The last month was a blur of family, friends, travel and way too much delicious food, and I was simply too busy shoving every kind of christmas cookie available in my mouth to play much attention to anything else, especially the blog.

But I mean, who cares?  Blog posts about why someone hasn’t been blogging are quite possibly the most boring thing ever.  So I’ll just say this-I’ve been living life, and it’s pretty rad. Do people still say “rad”? I’m bringing it back.

Moving right along.

Someone shoved a video camera in my face at 12:02 am on January 1st and asked what my New Years resolution was.  I didn’t have anything to say, so I chugged my champagne like the lady I am and said “I want a puppy!” Luckily my boyfriend followed that by a bunch of mumbo jumbo about “health” and “happiness” and “blah blah” to which I said “oh yeah, that too!”

I’m not the biggest fan of New Years resolutions.  I just feel that there is so much in life that is out of our control-good and bad.  A year ago, I didn’t know that I was going to drop everything, move to Costa Rica and become a personal trainer.  I prefer to live in the moment-or at least that is what I’m trying to do a little bit more, every day.

Tropical humidity + curly hair=THAT monstrosity

With that said, goals are fantastic. And really, as much as “resolutions” annoy me, there is something to be said about starting off a new year with a fresh perspective and a few personal goals.

1. Be Kind(er) Be Nice(er) Be Patient(er?)
Unless you’ve hurt my family or friends (don’t mess with my people), or eaten the last of my ice cream in the freezer (um, ruuude), I’m going to be pretty damn nice to you. I’m a nice girl. Manners, forgiving, caring, the whole thing. Usually. I also have a feisty latina temper, a strong personality and little patience for people I don’t understand. I am working on taking a minute before I react, and, on that note, reacting from a place of compassion.  I don’t always have to be “right”…sometimes being kind is just more important.

2. Power over anxiety
If you’re a long time reader, you know that I have shared my struggles with anxiety in the past. I’m at a different place with anxiety now, due I’m sure to my new life-moving to Costa Rica, living away from my family, and proving to myself that the anxiety won’t always win. The most crippling thing about anxiety, for me, is the fear. Fear of failure. Fear of loss. Fear of all the terrible, horrible, heinous things that could happen…fear like this traps you, and it makes you feel like these things have happened-when they haven’t. When they might never, ever, EVER happen. And this leads to the worst part of anxiety-the loss of your joy. My joy. I spend so much time worrying and being upset about things that simply haven’t happened and it holds me back from the life I want, and the wonderful life I have. My goal? Live in the moment-quite literally. Take more deep breaths. Squeeze my boyfriends hand to remind myself of where I am. And most importantly, keep taking chances and risks-the best way to take control of your anxiety is to prove it wrong.

3. Love Better
My boyfriend is insanely amazing. He constantly does things to make my life easier, to make me smile, and to make me feel loved. He’s extremely patient with this feisty anxious latina, and all cliche’s aside, the dude is my absolute best friend. Plus, he’s hot. I feel like I do a good job of letting him know how appreciated he is, and how much I love him, but there’s always more I can do. So I’m gonna do it.

Add car photos to the list of things he sits through for me…doesn’t he look thrilled?

And I still want a puppy.

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First things first. THIS made me laugh.

Seriously.

Anyway.

I’m really feeling the holiday spirit lately.  I can’t wait to get our Christmas tree this weekend, am almost done with my shopping, and all I want to do at night is curl up with a skinny peppermint mocha.  Kinda tastes like cough syrup, but I love it.  My boyfriend and I are responsible for bringing stuffing to dinner this year, and I am on the hunt for a killer recipe…and I want to make a mass amount of cookies just because.  Sugar cookie stuffing maybe?

Seems like it will be time to put the peppermint mocha’s down and jump on the treadmill!  We recently scored an amazing deal on a treadmill on good old Craigslist, and it was worth every penny.  I know I’ve said before that I felt like a hamster on a wheel, but to be frank, being a hamster on a wheel for an hour a day keeps my body and my mind happy.

On this note-kiiiiinda (hi, you’re reading the MOST RANDOM BLOG POST EVER) I’m working on a holiday survival guide…a real one, not a bullshit “everything in moderation” one.  I mean, yes duh we know-everything in moderation…but what does that really mean when you’re trying to lose or maintain weight?  Last year, I was losing weight and still managed to enjoy the hell out of the holidays.  This year, I’m maintaining my weight and I feel like  I’ve found a happy medium.  Email me if you have any tips or questions, and I’ll get that posted soon!

And since I’m being a random monkey…My friend emailed me about these acrylic piercing jewelry for your navel which I think is just a fancy way of saying belly button ring…reminds me of being 18 and lying to our parents about getting our belly buttons pierced.  Did you ever do that?

Have a good week lovers.  Next time I’ll gather my thoughts before I say hello

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I know I know, I’ve been an actual adult for quite some time.  And, for the most part, I’m ok with it. It still hits me when I have to write my age on something-30, flirty and thriving, baby. Looking back on my twenties, it was just one big clusterfuck.  I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, who I wanted to be.  I was struggling to find my place in the world, always tiptoeing around, always afraid to firmly stand, because I had no foundation. And I knew it.

So, maybe there is something to the (in my opinion) majorly played out “quarterlife crisis” but really, you guys-it’s just growing up.

Lately, I’ve been divided.  Like, on one hand I’m super mature, making all these responsible decisions and I love who I am, where I’m going, and who I’m going with.  I have my feet planted firmly on the ground.  I’m taking risks, living life on my own terms, and planning a future with the man of my dreams that includes marriage and babies (or just fur babies) and buying houses and traveling and starting new businesses. And it’s not scary. I’m more kind than I used to be-to myself and others. I don’t have much drama in my life these days-no backstabbing friends, no jealousy, no she said she said nonsense…nada.  It’s weird, and quiet. But a good quiet. I know who my girls are-my soul sisters if you will-and while we don’t see each other that often or talk everyday, we don’t need to-we’re connected. My actual sister and I have reached that point of being great friends, I call my parents because I want to chat, not because I need something…I’m working through my anxiety issues instead of over medicating or distracting myself with alcohol or shopping.  I eat super clean, I juice almost everyday, I take vitamins and supplements and drink a shit load of water.  I go to bed before 11 most nights, and my weekends are usually spent running errands and watching Dateline and 20/20 on the couch with my boyfriend.

Sometimes I feel pretty damn adult.

But then! I start crying when I get sick for the second time this month, and I kid you not, I was thinking “I want my mom to rub my back.” I question my decision to leave fashion behind and pursue my personal trainer/weight management coach certifications-was that a big dumbo mistake?  I will be doing something completely random and out of nowhere it will hit me that my grandpa is dead, and I have to remind myself to breathe because I feel like I might die myself, the weight of the realization is too heavy, and shouldn’t it be getting easier?  I eat a whole box of cereal in two days because I ate it for every meal, super good decision.  I buy too many pairs of jeans, and too many pairs of boots.  I still buy US Weekly and my idea of checking the news in the morning is TMZ and E!.  Sometimes, I don’t want to do anything but watch the Food Network and HGTV, so I don’t.  I get in these moods where I MUST cut/color my hair and I can’t think of anything else, even though I’ve been down this road before and it rarely works out-when will I learn?  I get scared going downstairs alone at night, I leave my clothes in piles on the floor, I can never decide what to wear, and I need a manicure.

Sometimes I feel pretty damn…un-adult.

I’m getting the feeling that it will always be like this. That this is life.

Always growing, always evolving, but at the same time, not really changing at all.

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I always get a bit stressed out this time of year.  My favorite thing to say becomes “Ohhh I have to do that before the holidays” OR “I will put that off until after the holidays” both of which are stressful depending on how you look at it.  It’s silly, considering it’s not even November yet, and these “holidays” I speak of are 2-3 days out of the entire year.

It sounds good in my head, though.  It always does.

Lately, I’m working on being in the moment.  Being present right now. It’s difficult to say the least, especially when you are the President of Let’s Worry About Everything Island.

Right now, this is what I should be doing…but after being out of school for years, I will admit it’s difficult to get back into study mode.  Snacks help, and why yes, that is an entire jar of peanut butter.

It’s normal to carry a jar of peanut butter around in your purse, promise.

In other news, I was reunited with my number one stunna last weekend.

Ms. Bella <3

I’m off to work on that whole being present in the moment thing and watch an entire movie sans laptop on my lap.

We’ll see how that goes. xo

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“Happiness. Simple as a glass of chocolate or tortuous as the heart. Bitter. Sweet. Alive.”
— Joanne Harris (Chocolat (The Food Trilogy, #1))

Close your eyes.
Imagine the absolute worst case scenario ever. Breathe through it…live through it.

Now stop thinking about it-don’t stay there one more minute. Fixate on the best possible outcome. Never stop thinking about it. Live there. Get comfy in this frame of mind. Sometimes life is hard, but it’s inherently good. Expect positivity-greet it at the door with a glass of pinot and a funfetti cupcake. Or two.

Control is overrated. Obsessing is a waste of energy. It-whatever IT is, is going to happen, no matter how much you worry about it. Give up your need to control everything, and let life lead you. Roll with it, not against it. Why are you fighting so hard?

It doesn’t have to be a Monday or a Holiday to start something or turn over a new leaf. Do it NOW. Begin the job search, apply for grad school, start working out-whatever it is, start right this second. Live your life as if tomorrow isn’t an option. One day, it won’t be.

Stop calling your protein powder and egg white concoctions “cake”, and while you’re at it, stop eating that shit. Cake is made of sugar, flour and butter. Enjoy it-preferably a corner piece with extra frosting.

Get disgustingly sweaty daily doing something you actually enjoy. Don’t run just because you think you should or because running is the cool thing to do. Guess what? You pretty much hate it. Yep, you do.

Blog about fitness. Blog about fashion. Blog about something…just blog. Remember how you used to share your every thought and feeling in this space-don’t force it, but recognize there is strength in sharing your vulnerabilities.

Never grow up. Keep learning. Take classes. Read books. Find people you admire and stalk the shit out of them, legally.  Hunt down inspiration like it’s the last pair of Louboutins on earth. Don’t feel silly for feeling silly at this point in your life…there’s no such thing as a quarter life crisis…it’s called life.

Spend money on the following: the perfect pair of jeans, heels-especially boots, expensive bedding and workout clothing from Lululemon. It’s worth it, no matter what anyone says. Not worth the cheddar: most makeup and hair products-on that note, stop spending $100 dollars everytime you walk into the black hole that is Target. Let’s try to utilize a bit of self control every now and again, shall we?

Be proud that you’re turning into your Mother. Start catching yourself sounding like her, acting like her, sharing her quirky mannerisms…hear yourself say how you’re “just like my mom!” You wanted to be just like her when you grew up, remember?

Keep traveling and exploring the world. Eat the food. Learn the language. Embrace the culture. Step outside of your bubble as much as possible-do not stay at 4 star hotels that are mini Americas. Say “yes” more often than “no.”

Get your boobs done if you want, who cares what people think. Read Vogue instead of Newsweek. Watch trashy reality T.V. Do what makes you feel good. Stop allowing other people to make you feel shallow or vain. It’s ok if you want to look your best. Pretty and intelligent are not mutually exclusive. Some people get it, some people don’t. You don’t have anything to prove.

Appreciate and accept people for who they are at this very moment. Don’t wish they could be different. Remember that everyone is on their own journey, and it’s not always all about you. Try to not take everything so personally. Never assume you know what demons someone else is fighting. Love them now, not when they are “fixed” or “better”. Call your Dad.

Take advantage of the built in support system you were born with-your twin sister. Yes, it’s scary having someone who can see through you, who knows you better than you know yourself, but could you live without it? Without her? No. So don’t push it away.

For the love of God, don’t be so hard on yourself. Ease up. Would you talk to your best friend that way? Be kind and gentle with yourself. Stop with all the pressure and judging. With the negative self monologues. Stop rehashing moments when things didn’t go your way, replaying them over and over until you have no choice but to feel completely shitty all over again. Throw those moments away,-they don’t define you. One singular moment in a lifetime full of so many can never define you.

Don’t dull your sparkle. Bust out the windex and SHINE.

Life isn’t all or nothing. It’s not always going to be so extreme. Don’t dwell on the lows, and don’t chase the highs in search of your next fix. Some days are just a happy medium. Make them that…happy. Just because you’re comfortable doesn’t mean you’re complacent.  Allow yourself the ability and freedom to relax.

Work at being the best partner you can be. Don’t react so fast. Build him up. Love him first, he deserves it.

Smile and laugh often.

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I’m doing a lot of writing lately. Writing for and expanding We Love Dates.  Copy writing. Writing press releases and media kits for my fashion clients.  Ghostwriting an e-book. Studying for my personal trainer’s certification. Writing long emails to my best friends about important things like carbs, dying my hair chocolate brown vs espresso (I mean, so different!), and whether or not the Pour La Victoire Irina pumps I want so badly will cause me to walk like a drunk baby deer.
I love to write, and I love to write here, but all my good stuff is going elsewhere.  Right now, there isn’t much balance in my life, and I’m totally ok with that. I can’t be the only one who thinks balance is a bit of an overrated concept? I want to keep sharing, but instead of  always writing fairly wordy (and oh so witty) blog posts, it might just be a photo. An outfit.  A quote. A small glimpse. Pretty things. Little somethin somethin’s that will allow me to blog more frequently while still having fun and expressing myself…because when your blog becomes a drag, you’re clearly doing something wrong.

I don’t have a Tumblr-I thought of switching over, but hi, that sounds like a pain in the ass and I kinda despise when bloggers jump around all over the place.  Plus, don’t misunderstand-I will be writing.  I just want to share some of the little moments, in addition to the grand scale life changing ones.

I hope you stick around for my little somethin somethins…
Wine pairings ready to go…just how I like em.

Cheers!

Shoe envy photo via

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Today would have been my grandpa’s 87th birthday.

I don’t miss him more today than I did yesterday, the only difference is my mom didn’t text me this a.m to remind me to call him and then text me multiple times that day making sure I did. I did, I did, I always did.

The man was loved.

The last time I had a long conversation with him was the day before I left for Costa Rica.  His health began rapidly declining almost immediately after I left, so I am forever grateful I had the opportunity to talk to him.  I told him all about Costa Rica and why I was going, reminded him that because I work online I can do it from anywhere (it can’t be just my grandparents who will never understand the internet), and told him repeatedly that I loved him.  I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes.

I was lucky to be partially raised by my grandparents. Those of you who are close to your grandparents might understand how special of a relationship it is. We were spoiled (hopefully not rotten, but that might be up for debate ), and life sometimes felt like one long summer. Much more important than all that however, were the life lessons my grandpa taught me.

Simply the best people I’ve ever known.

Work Hard. He was an Ex Marine and a retired crane operator.  He got down and dirty to provide for his family.  When I got started working, his first question to me would always always be, “How’s work?”  He didn’t always understand what the hell I was doing-Fashion, Public Relations, etc…but all that mattered was that I worked hard, no excuses.

Love Is Selfless. My grandpa wasn’t messing around when he said his wedding vows.  When my grandma got sick, he stayed by her side.  He loved her beyond words, so he took care of her, no matter what that meant.  He never complained and I never heard him wish anything was different, even when it meant the dreams for retirement he had worked so hard for were being put on hold.  Good-bye fancy custom home on the golf course, hello the best doctors money could buy. My sister and I were so blessed to be raised with such a glowing example of perfect love right in front of us. Soulmates do exist, and nothing comforts me more knowing that they are together again.

Keep Calm. I honestly can’t remember a time when my grandpa yelled at me…even when he taught me how to drive. With a sick wife, and two opinionated granddaughters to take care of, it’s expected he might have lost his cool from time to time.  The most I ever heard him raise his voice was at some talking head on CNN or while arguing politics with my step-dad over the dinner table.

Happiness Is A Choice.  I’d usually call my grandpa in the mornings, when he was sitting at the dining room table, drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper (and maybe sneaking a donut.)  I would ask him how he was doing, and he’d always say the same thing. “I’m great!  Doing just fine. Gotta be.  What more could I want?”  He wasn’t being sarcastic.  He was content, and he appreciated every moment.

Nothing Is Better Than Beer & Peanuts, and a Baseball Game. I used to love curling up in my grandpas huge, brown, leather man chair. Every night, after all his girls were in bed, he’d stay up late and maybe have a beer, definitely a few peanuts and hopefully catch a baseball game (or MASH or a western.) If I couldn’t sleep, I’d get up and sit on his lap.  After a day of being everything to everyone, it was these moments when I feel he was at the most peace. I’m now the only girl my age I know (besides my sis) who has seen every episode of MASH, thanks Papa.

It’s nearly impossible for me to write a post that truly captures what he meant to me, and to my entire family, so I wasn’t going to.  For the first time since I started this blog, my emotions were too intense to share. I don’t feel like this post does him justice whatsoever,  but what he taught me, even a poorly worded snippet of it, is worth sharing, even if it’s just so I never forget.

Happy Birthday, Papa.  I love you!

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***********

I’ve felt a little bit lost this summer.

Traveling. New countries. New places. New homes. Suitcases instead of a closet and what my bed feels like has become a distant memory.

Grief and anxiety have attached themselves to me this summer.

The things I used to do to comfort myself aren’t available to me right now. I’ve spent the last month trying to find the bright side, attempting to embrace the changes. I’ve turned inward a bit, and that’s ok. Texts have gone unanswered, emails take a few days to respond to. My nails are chipped, my hair needs to be touched up.

Though it’s been on my mind, the blog has suffered. I don’t post just for the sake of posting. I could give two shits about my Klout score, or how many followers I have on Twitter.  Google + invites and notices are deleted.  It’s the Internet, it’s not going anywhere.

There are many reasons why I blog. I’ve met some of my best friends through this blog. I’ve found jobs and clients. The fun money I make blogging funds my quest to try every liquid eyeliner ever made.

Blogging forces me to turn outward. To share and listen and match the noise in my head and heart with words and feelings. I needed to turn some of the noise off this summer though.

I’m doing my best to turn outward right now. I think that this post is more for me than anyone else. It’s a reminder that I’m trying, it’s a reminder that the grieving process is a long one, it’s a reminder to stop being so hard on myself all the time.

I’m excited for the future. My future. The blogs future.

It’s no big deal if I suck at texting today, or if my nails aren’t done today. It’s ok if staying at home reading a new book is the only thing I really want to do when I’m done with work today.

I have high hopes for tomorrow.

This summer isn’t over yet.

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