This is hard for me to write about. If you’re looking for rainbows and butterflies, this isn’t the one for you today.
For a while, it seemed I obsessed about a finding love.
I’m no longer obsessing about men, being in a relationship, getting married and having babies. What happens happens, and I have no control over that.
It seems like my “obsessing” has jumped from one ship to another. Instead of my heart, I’m obsessed with my body. One of the main reasons I haven’t been blogging/reading/commenting is because I’ve been working out so much, and while that’s a great thing, I can see, and feel myself slipping to the dark side. Another reason I’ve been avoiding blogs is because I compare myself to everyone, and I do that enough in real life, or watching TV, movies and reading fashion mags. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and in a sea of fashion bloggers-I just felt it better to distance myself.
Talking about weight is taboo, and also so annoying, so I’m sorry. But it’s eating me alive, and hopefully by purging all of these toxic thoughts now, I can wake up tomorrow in a better place.
I’m supposed to be skinny because I used to model. I’m supposed to be skinny because companies send me clothes so I’ll do lookbooks, and then hopefully you’ll buy their products. I’m supposed to be skinny because I’ve been super skinny before, and because I live in the most superficial place on earth (or at least top 3).
I started this journey to be healthy. I started working out with a trainer and a friend (hiiii HEATHER), I overhauled my diet and began eating extremely “clean.” It didn’t happen over night, but my body started to change. Not just dress sizes, but muscles began appearing-GUN SHOW, yo. (Not exactly, but whatev.) My energy is soaring and my anxiety has been amazingly diminished.
These are all great things, and I’m damn proud of myself. My family and friends who see me all the time are proud too. I used to sleep in til 11 on Saturdays, now I’m up at 730 doing running mans and planks. I can wear things I haven’t felt comfortable in again, and this weekend was the first time I wore a bikini this year…and I felt good, with no need to cover up in a tank like I might have before.
But I’m terrified to go out to eat. I’m terrified to eat, period-but I know, I KNOW my body needs the fuel. I avoid social situations because of the food or alcohol, I find myself tossing and turning at night wondering if the 2 hours of cardio I did at the gym was enough. I get a little too happy for my liking that my collarbone is visible. I plan my day around the gym (sometimes twice a day) and getting in enough protein after my workouts. Meaning no, I can’t meet up with you after the gym even though you need to talk because I have to go home and have a protein shake and I’m sorry I’m a bad friend right now but if I go to Starbucks I’ll miss the “golden hour” during which I HAVE to have protein. I actually said that to one of my friends! Like a crazy person! Makes me want to burst into tears right now. I was invited to Vegas this weekend and my first thought was ohhhh I bet the hotel has a nice gym. WHAT THE HELL. Heather and I had plans to see Sex and the City 2 on Friday night and I almost cancelled because I felt I needed to go run stadiums-the anxiety was debilitating. Luckily, I got a grip and we had a fabulous girls night out. Thankfully, I have friends like Heather who I can tell what I’m feeling and she can drop kick me (nicely) back to reality.
If you’re close to me, as some of you are, most of our conversations, at some point circle back around to my new “lifestyle”…I love you for not telling me to shut the hell up. I also love you for telling me to take care of myself. If you’re REALLY close to me, as in see me everyday-I ask you multiple times a day how I look. I hate that I am that girl now.
I’m dating a personal trainer, and I can’t be the only one who find this oddly ironic. Life, stop it with your silly shenanigans! On our first date he went to town on some gourmet mac and cheese and I picked at a salad. (I guzzled the wine though. I mean, I haven’t completely forgotten who I am.) His body is ridiculous and now I feel the pressure is on even more. Of course, I’m completely disregarding how he mentioned he doesn’t like girls who are “too thin” and told me, “you better not lose your boobs!”
When did I go from healthy to a woman obsessed…was it when the big changes started happening? Was it 2 weekends ago when I went out with six guys and realized I held all the control, and somehow convinced myself that they would have held all the control 3 dress sizes ago? I don’t want to stop-I’m not going to stop-but I know myself enough to realize that I’m nearing a dangerous place. A place I’ve been before and a place I never thought I’d be again. A place where there is no such thing as good enough.
I received a few INCREDIBLE emails this weekend, just full of support, for no other reason than they felt I needed it. Maybe to make me feel better after making such an ass out of myself on my vlog?! They all mentioned that I empower my readers, and while that warms my heart and makes me want to keep on going…I don’t feel very empowered at the moment. I’m smart enough to know that I’m obsessed with working out and eating like a bird because everything else is always so OUT of control. Â Not in a bad way, I’m happy right now-but it could go away. And that terrifies me. This is one thing I don’t have to rely on anyone for. It’s all me. Nobody can let me down.
Goals for the week-
Post this very personal blog. Opening up about this very scary subject might be all I need.
Live my life. Go wine tasting this weekend with a bestie and EAT CHEESE. Omg I miss cheese.
Love my body. Appreciate how far I can run now, how much I can lift, be excited that my insomnia has been cured naturally, etc.
Put my relationships before my “obsession.”
Listen to my body. Give it the rest, fuel, appreciation it deserves. It is not the enemy.
It is NOT the enemy. Â I am good enough-no matter what size jeans I wear. And so are you. xo
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Babe it’s so great to be healthy and fit and you do feel so empowered, you are aware of the going to far though, you are such a smart, gifted person and I know you will reign it in when you have too.
Life is to be lived to the full, enjoy your body, food, experiences in a healthy happy way.
love DJ
Love, you look really beautifult he way you are. I can judge that byt he few pictures I see of you on the blog. You really don’t have to put yourself through this. It is going to lead you no where. Life is a lot about eating the good things and living it up. And if not stuffing your face with cheese you should at least take a bite or two and savor it
xx
We ran stairs… in a stadium… and we liked it! Whaaat? I’m def with you on the obsessions (as you know). Can’t help it, always have been. I’ve never actually LIKED or looked forward to working out and bc of that, I’ve always shed pounds by following crazy strict diets. But now, I LOVE working out. I get excited when I put our little dates in the calendar. Our bodies are going to rock- they’re getting strong, toned and heaaalthy. The food stuff is going to balance itself out… and the days it doesn’t I’m picking you up! But, you have to do the same for me!
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If you feel the way you should run your miles, I’m sure there will be the time where you control it back to normal. You are so smart and dating a personal trainer, so he will control it either lol… missed you, have a great week…
Aw. What a heartfelt blog. I know I don’t know you but I just want to give you a big fat hug right now. I think your fitness mania will even itself out. Your cognizance of the issue is proof enough of that. good on you for doin what’s right for your health, and double good on you for those goals. I wish you well.
xo,
Dani
(new reader)
first- im going to give advice, even though you didn’t ask for any. i know this is in the top 5 sins in commenting, but oh well.
second- i am not a raw foodie. i am not vegan. i am not even vegetarian. but that doesn’t mean i cant enjoy the taste and health benefits of raw, vegan, or veggie food.
what i meant to comment is to say that you may want to check out elise’s blog here: http://hungryhungryhippie.com/ or gena’s blog here: http://www.choosingraw.com/ you may have seen them before, but if not, i appreciate the honesty, food knowledge, and emphasis on healthy food as opposed to weight. plus, any excuse to om nom on some avocados makes me happy. healthy fats ftw.
lovee-
Hmmm….just to play armchair psychiatrist, maybe what you need to explore is your tendency toward obsessive behavior/ruminations. That seems to be the underlying issue, right? If you drop one obsession, you replace it with another. Similar to people with addictive behaviors. I’d imagine talk therapy would help.
What an honest post- it’s hard to admit these things, never mind share them with the blog word! I am proud of you. Great, attainable goals.. wish you all the best in this fight!
So strong of you to open up to us like that. It’s hard enough to start a diet (I should know…I’m still trying…). I believe you’re doing good, just don’t stress yourself too much. Indulge yourself once in a while. I wish you all the best hun!
P.S: No matter what, you are beautiful to me. ;p
I jsut found your blog and I am loving it! I think its great that you get so personal and raw. Keep it up!
http://www.sassypose.blogspot.com
First of all you are fabulous. I love posts like this that are honest and raw and not all exclamation points because, let’s be honest. Life is not great all the time, I don’t care who you are.
One of my best friends is a size four. She used to be a size 20. Sometimes I give her crap for skipping out on margaritas and chocolate cake deserts. Recently we were going over old pictures and she was mulling over how “big” she used to be. She told me how changing her lifestyle completely changed her life. She told me that she wasn’t a “naturally skinny girl” and that she had to make changes to be what she wanted to be. Not that I’m a skinny minny, but I felt bad because I’ve never been in her shoes and I felt like I was slighlty torturing her every time we were together with my tempting fattening food. A lot of babble, but I guess my point is do what you have to do to be happy. I’m glad you opened up because your friends will listen and be understanding. As long as you’re happy. Stay encouraged, even if you start lagging because you are off to such a strong start. Give yourself time to become the person you want to become, inside, outside whatever.
Love ya!
I can’t begin to tell you how many social events I have missed out on because I was afraid of the food. It was a sad time of my life, and I still have my moments. I have THE best book for you to read ever.
I am so IN LOVE with this post. This was exactly what you needed. You know life is all about balance – it can be tricky to find, but you’re clearly well on your way. Sometimes you need to be super-intense about something when you first start it up – look at the positives – appreciate the intensity and passion, but let those other beautiful parts of life co-exist with your newfound love of being healthy. SO proud of you, and I think this calls for a trip to FL as a celebration! xxSAS
It’s so hard to find that balance. I admire you so much for your determination and your persistence with working out. I’ve been so lazy that i haven’t had time in the past month. So I wish I had your drive. But it’s so important to be healthy and know your body’s limits. Remember that if you skip meals your body eats muscle (which is what you’ve been working so hard for). I appreciate your honesty so much. It’s one of the things I love about you and your blog. You tell it how it is and that genuine nature connects you with other people. And you inspire
You can always turn to your bloggy friends to vent. I’m glad you did this time. Holding it all in is toxic to the body, physically and mentally. You are strong, young, and should enjoy life. I know, easier said than done-but if you keep saying it, you’ll believe it eventually
You inspire so many of us with your honesty Liz! We will support you no matter what.
xoxo
ps. chug that sangria once in a while!
are we the same person? i think we might be. i JUST posted today about the struggles i’ve had with my weight, how i lost a lot of it in a REALLY unhealthy way and i’m just now, in the last two months, learning how to be healthy. it’s a hard battle lovie, i’ve been there. you’re amazing though, so keep your chin up and keep things in perspective. <3
sweet girl, you rock!!! you sound so happy in this post
makes me happy for you!!!
you deserve the best sweets and how awesome he is a personal trainer! extra motivation for ya 
i don’t think it’s annoying for one to talk about weight, not in the least! it is part of the process and you have a lot to be proud of!! i’m glad you are sharing your journey with us!
i’m trying to get back on track myself. you know the truth of it, when you work hard and push yourself you see results!! i know that as well, i worked really hard and lost 7 pounds. i stopped and i’ve gained it all back, i feel blah! i want to feel all those great feelings you are feeling now! today is a new day, start of a new week and i’m getting back on the wagon! i have no reason not to and your post is even more motivation for me so thanks again!!
your new man sounds like a nice piece of man meant
when you say the things about putting friends aside to take care of yourself, that’s’ what you need to be doing. you have to take care of you first! that’s important to remember and if your friends are real friends, they will understand!
keep up your hard work hun!!!
Oh, Liz, I bet you had no idea how many people will relate when you posted this… you are a strong, beautiful woman (inside and out) and you’re helping countless other women (and men) by sharing your fears and obsessions about food and weight loss. I’ve been mentally beating myself up all weekend because I traveled for work last week and only worked out twice. Compared to six months ago, the fact that I worked out AT ALL while traveling is amazing, but it’s so hard to recognize that once I get into the “healthy” groove of running/yoga-ing regularly. If you ever need to vent, just send me an e-mail because I’m right there with you — whether I want to admit it or not.
Oh hun. I could write a novel on weight and how it’s a constant thought in my mind. Just know you are definitely NOT alone in this battle. My battle is on hold for now b/c I know that the baby girl I’m growing inside of me is more important than my self absorbed worry about how much I weigh but I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t bother me to see that scale rise and rise and rise. I just have to remember it’s for a good reason! A healthy little girl! But I shit you not, the second I have this baby and I’m cleared to work out again I will probably turn into an obsessed monster. That terrifies me but I am so scared of what I’ll look like post baby! And it doesn’t help that my husband has lost 15 pounds while I’ve been gaining all this and he just completed his first triathlon and looks better than ever before. Ugh.
Anyway, I could keep going but why? Just know you have support out there. We love you hun!
xoxo
I’m glad you’re getting healthy, but yes don’t let it take over your life… You need food or else, it’s all going to come back in the end… Make sure you do it all the healthy way, and be grateful and proud. Your gorgeous anyway, honey!
mmm… cheese
you already know the rest, so START LISTENING TO ME AND YOUR BODY DAMNIT! (i say that with love)
1. the mere fact that you are writing this and acknowledging you are on the edge of crossing that line is huge and incredibly important. i’m proud of you for that alone.
2. i’m not going to sit here and tell you that you’re beautiful ‘just the way you are’ — you already know that — you are gorgeous. period.
3. what am i going to tell you is this: strike a HEALTHY, non-obsessive balance between your relationships, your health, and your overall well-being. you know you’re entering the danger zone (omg, like that top gun reference??), so just pull back on the reins a bit. ALLOW yourself those little indulgences here and there and know when to put relationships first.
4. tons of hugs and kisses, m’dear!! xoxo
I wish I had some sort of motivation to get me going to the heathly side of things. I love to come home to a glass of two of beer, eat dessert and fried foods. I have some how found myself in this bad food no gym pattern that I cannot pull free off. I know the cause and I know the gym and better food would help, I just do not have the motivation to do so.
First off, on a light note, you were completely adorable in your vlog, so no, you didn’t make an ass out of yourself! It was basically like watching one of my friends talk and laughing, etc. Plus I basically make and ass out of myself every day, I’m seventeen and stuck in that whole teenaged angst/awkward stage!
And on a slightly heavier note, concerning your obsession with your weight and body being transferred from love and boys: Maybe, maybe, and I’m not trying to jump to conclusions. I’m a reader of your blog, not someone who sees you daily, but maybe you should talk to some one like a psychiatrist, etc? Just to see if maybe this obsession thing isn’t leading to something more serious. Because, from a reader standpoint, I love reading your blogs, and you seem to be one funny, strong, lovable person, and I would hate to see you descend into total madness when it could be prevented!
But otherwise, I’m glad you’re getting healthy and you can wear a bikini, but don’t forget confidence doesn’t come from size, but from the way you view yourself. You were gorgeous before and you’ll be gorgeous now!
And speaking of “Supposed tos” I ought to be about 95 pounds with milky smooth skin, and stick straight, uber glossy black hair, but hey life hands you lemons, do with them what you will!
I hope you somewhat of a catharsis after writing this post, and I hope you can find a balance between love, health, and life in general!
Everyone has an opinion!
Remember, find one thing each day that makes you feel good about yourself! Everything else will fall into place, and when it doesn’t there’s always vodka and me to see it through with you…
btw: don’t forget to enter the giveaway nerd!
and I blogged about you today!
Super Puffy Heart You! (Don’t forget it!)
I think everyone has felt the pressure at some point – and while it’s sucky, it’s so perfectly natural for women to beat themselves up over physical appearances. Gah! I hate that we all do that to ourselves. Such is life, I suppose. But you recognize that, and I think that is half the battle right there. You are so brave and honest about everything, Liz, and that’s why we all admire and love you. Thanks for opening up to us all, and mad props for your new goals. Sending much love your way!
Dude, I feel ya. I am terrified to eat “normally.” I haven’t had cheese in forever and the thought of eating some makes me die a little inside. I am in constant battle with my body and my mind. And even though I’m not tiny (yet) I can’t deny that I love seeing a thinner me… I love fitting in to tight pants that I haven’t been able to fit in since college. Thanks for posting. It’s good to know that other people struggle with these ridiculous mind games too.
You are STRONG lady. You can get through this hurdle. You have accomplished so much and going out to eat is NOT going to derail that! Side note…day 1 and I didn’t cheat!
Aww girl! I appreciate your honesty so much. I have been so slack-tastic on my workouts lately and just feeling like I am never going to get anywhere with this getting-in-shape/getting-thinner thing. Thanks for reminding me to love myself through the struggles and reminding us all that they never really go away, they just re-invent themselves. I guess we all have to be aware of not giving in to the darkness- whether its skipping workouts and eating crap or barely eating and working out maybe too much… Honestly though- you ARE strong and you know where you are at and what you need to do. I am going to attempt to focus on what I need to do as well… Love!!!!
I think at some point at this time in our life we all are finding a healthy medium to feel our greatest as well as be relaxed about it – life is way more than how we look and the people who love us love us for who we are and that’s all that matters – everyone else is just superficial. I think you’re on the right track if you are thinking about it like this and you are aware of what you are doing to yourself. keep your head up!
I’m struggling with the same thing right now. Obviously there are differences – I don’t live where you do, so my surroundings probably aren’t as “in-your-face-MUST-be-skinnnay” but I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed with the struggle. My boyfriend can eat like a horse and eat anything and still won’t gain a pound. Me, I eat 1 extra cube of cheese and it shows up the next day. It’s extremely frustrating, and I’ve kinda pushed some aspects of our relationship to the side because of my sadness. I know it’s hard. You are NOT alone. Thank you for being so blunt, so honest, so raw. THIS is why I love you.
I totally love you and hate hearing this. I am not an expert on eating disorders, but the comparing yourself to other people sounds a little familiar and it can be completely debilitating. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but do you think it would help to talk to a therapist? Just to start to work on a plan to make some healthy, permanent changes so you can still eat healthy and exercise, but not let it consume you? I am here for you, but sometimes these problems deserve the eyes and ears of a professional. If you think I’m out of line, please ignore me, but know I truly care about you and only want what’s best.
xoxo
ever since I became a vegetarian and lost wieght I’ve been so obssesed with keeping my wieght down, from sometimes not eating to crazy excersise patterns to examining every part of my body to check out the “squish”. my bf has been skinny his whole life me not so much so I’m always comparing us, I know its not healthy but I can’t help it so girl I understand where you are at these days I’m trying not to be so hard on myself and trying to go back to loving my body and loving food. I hope you meet your goals I’m rooting for you!
I’m SO proud of you! I know this has been a huge goal of yours (and if you recall, we started an handy little google doc to help us both get through it together). I’ve since fallen off the bandwagon – consumed with work-stress, boy-stress, life-stress, which really sounds like I just need to go to the GYM!
Love you – help me get back into it!
xoxo
Oooo, well this post is first step. Trust me, I love working out and do it on the reg’ but what is the point if you can’t reap the benefits of all the hard work??? All the sweating is supposed to mean that you can enjoy yourself at times! I hope somehow this resonates with you- you are a gifted writer with a knack for attracting people with your attitude so I feel that you can power through this. Enjoy the cheese
We’ve all been there, to some degree. Never in my LIFE have I ever had borderline obsessive food/body issues ’til entering the world of dance. So far I’ve succeeded in the “I need to eat or I can’t dance 6 hours a day” mentality, but there are days – particularly when I have to perform a piece in nothing more than booty shorts and a bra top… talk about a come-to-Jesus-why-the-hell-did-I-eat-Ben-&-Jerry’s-last-night moment! – when I think I could get by on just an apple.
SO. I already read your latest post, so I’m glad to hear that you ate the pizza and drank the wine… and keep that shit up. Ultimately, I figure life is waaaaaay too short to miss out on the little pleasures of life… food, drink, amigos… AND, you’re rockin’ it with some serious exercise accomplishments!! That’s something to be very proud of, my love!
xoxo J
Cheese is good. You know what else is good? Cheesecake. With fruits of the forest on top.
Bloody hell woman, eat what you like! Life is too short to deprive yourself of things you want.
As my screensaver says to me, “I want to have a nice body, but not as much as I want dessert”!
And, fuck it. I have a nice body. I’m curvy in all the right places and soft and touchable – maybe not model pretty, but I have a body meant for sex. And I’d much rather have sex than model.
Bring on the cheesecake!
You inspired me to write a similar post…I miss out on social events too, but for different reasons. If anything, see someone. A therapist or someone who will perhaps help you get closer to your inner self.
Good luck, love. I know you will get out of all this unharmed. Have faith in yourself.
You’re beautiful – absolutely beautiful. Every single time I read your blog I’m blown away by how real, and how courageous you are.
Love you, darling.
I know our struggles are not the same, but when I had my eating disorders I wish that I had someone like you to kick my ass, and be real with me. Everyone is so scared and completely tiptoes around weight issues, because it is such a taboo subject, but here you are, opening up and sharing something so personal. You’re inspiring, darling.
I really, truly miss you and miss talking to you. Let’s for real talk soon – not just talk about talking! I’m an email away ANY time you need someone, even just someone impartial to speak to about life and everything!
Just dropped by your blog to see how you were doing (‘cos I miss you, you know
. I’ve been there before… around three years ago and it wasn’t even because I felt I was gaining too much weight, but because I was obsessed with becoming healthy and fit. You probably are aware that your body also needs to recover in order for the cardio and fatburning to work effectively so please don’t forget to take a break. I did cut out on alcohol significantly and to this day don’t drink as much. I’d say that’s the one thing that has kept my weight consistent. I also think there’s nothing wrong with admitting what you did to the world. It’s easy enough to stay thin without doing much in your teens and early twenties, but your body changes around the age of 25 and maintaining a slim body unfortunately does take an effort. I’m sure you’ll figure out a balance soon enough.
Thanks for being so honest and open. I think as woman we all deal with weight issues, we all want to be superstars. I’m trying to change my lifestyle to be healthier and happier and I hope you find that balance that you need, because Liz, girlfriend, you’re amazingly perfect. With all of your imperfections and insecurities, you’re still a rockstar. I hope you see that in the mirror each day!
Congratulations on all the work you’ve done thus far! I’ve been working out lately too and I completely understand the obsessive tendencies that you get … getting fit is addictive! Unfortunately I’m not as good at sticking to a diet as you are
I’ll exercise, but then eat what I want (in moderate quantities). I guess it helps that I don’t drink – no excess calories there! 
SO proud of you for getting this out. Congrats to all the progress you’ve made and here’s to letting go of the obsession.
Now go eat some cheese. =P
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