How To Be A Cuddleslut.

After yet ANOTHER exhausting weekend of getting the guys in my phone confused and possibly forgetting their names (because I give everyone a nickname and now there are too many and why is every guy named CHRIS?! OR RYAN?) I realized I am failing miserably at this cuddleslut business–it was time to bring in reinforcements. I’ll let her do the rest of the talking. Take notes!

Rule Number One:

The first rule of cuddleslut, is do not talk about cuddleslut… Just kidding. The first rule is:

A badass bitch does not settle. Do you hear that? She does. not. settle.

Let it sink in. Let it marinate for a few seconds. Now never forget it.

Do not settle for:
- someone else’s boyfriend
- a cheater
- a liar
- a chain-smoking, online-poker playing, borderline alcoholic with Peter Pan Syndrome (my bad, that was me, I hopped on the bitter train for a second)
- fuckfaces
- douchelords
- anyone who reminds you the tiniest bit of Chris Brown or Kevin Federline or Jesse James

A cuddleslut is never desperate, she is the exact opposite. She makes boys desperate, hoping for just a minute of her precious time.

Rule Number Two:

Quantity versus Quality. What do I mean by that, exactly?

I’m not telling you to say yes to every. single. dude. that asks for your digits. But I’m telling you not to be super picky. A very wise (and sexy) young woman once said “Step out of your dating comfort zone.”

If your gut reaction to a guy was “no”, take a second to evaluate why. If it’s something silly like his shoes, get off your high horse and give the dude the benefit of the doubt.

But if your gut reaction was “no, no, hell no!” because you just saw him mackin’ on a dead ringer for babyslut Taylor Momsen or he’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Federal Breast Inspector” (or worse yet, Ed Hardy) then by all means, go with your instincts girl. Pass!

We have to cuddle with a lot of frogs before we find our prince.

If tall, dark and handsome isn’t working out for you, try another flavor. As a matter of fact, taste the rainbow. Sample every flavor. Medium, blonde and stubbly. Mmmmm.

Rule Number Three:

“Be yourself. Those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter,
don’t mind.”
~ Dr. Suess

Hell-ohhh-o, he knows his shit. Dr. Suess, was after all, a doctor.

Let your freak flag fly!

If you want to wear night eye makeup in the day sometimes, do it.
If you want to drink beer and not martinis, do it.
If you want to wear flats to the bar sometimes, do it.
If you want to wear ski socks under your sexy boots, ’cause it’s damn cold outside, do it.
If you want to drink cocktails from a Paul Frank mug on New Years Eve, do it.
If you want to get a fuchsia credit card from a swanky department store, that you will rarely be able to use, just because it’s pink, do it.
If you want to wear pajamas to your own birthday party, f’ing dooooo it. (Yes, some or all of this might be coming from personal experience. I’m weird and that’s why everyone some wicked awesome people love me.)
If you want to wear sweats to the bar, for the love of God, don’t freaking do that.

Be yourself. That way, you will always know that the people that love you, are loving you for you.

Rule Number Four:

Juggle, with honesty and confidence.

So now you’re runnin’ around, having the time of your life. Texting like a fiend. Dating like a man, but still crossing your legs like a lady. Cuddle to your heart’s content. (Make sure you can keep them all straight, unlike some people I know.)

Be up front, you’re not tied down to one guy in particular. Don’t hate the player, hate the game and all that bull shit, is just that, bull shit. Have integrity. Be able to look yourself in the mirror.

Do not become their housewife, their rent-a-girlfriend or their *shudder* “buddy” (unless you want to be in the friends-zone). Do not become Justin Bobby and kiss the black lipstick wearing drunkslut in the bar yards away from Audrina… or you know… situation with genders reversed.

If you decide someone in the rotation is not worth your time, because they turned out to be a douchetard, or you’re just not feeling it, take the appropriate action. Be honest. Be nice. (Unless they don’t deserve it. In which case, be brutal and tell them to go reflect on what an asshole they are.) (Liz here-bwhahahahaha…totes did that! He deserved it, trust.)

But if he’s a nice guy, just not for you, say so.

I Hate (that’s right, with a capital H) to just stop all communication guy. It’s shitty and it’s a cop out. I think a semi-decent guy is owed in the very least a text that says “I have fun, but I don’t feel the right connection. I hope you understand.” And most of the time he’ll suck it up and say that he does… understand… even if he doesn’t and he’s about to go drink a 12-pack and cry to his BFF.

And while we’re on the topic of honesty, the second that you do decide to pick a lucky winner from the bunch and lock that shit down, you need to let the other guys know. Or, you can do what I did and change your facebook status. Let all the assholes know what’s up be a grown up (not!) and stop returning their texts.

Rule Number Five:

Be safe. This is a two parter.

“Keep it loose. Except for your vagina. Keep that shizz, tight at all times.”

~ Alexi

Duh!

Get your ass on the pill, the needle, the sponge, double bag it, I don’t care. Don’t be someone’s baby mama.

Also, handle your heart with care. The second a dude displays less than admirable qualities either call him on it, or cut his ass loose. (See #4)

Please understand that I am by no means a doctor (like the all-knowing Suess) or an expert. I am just a freckle-faced, foul-mouthed blogger/former-cuddleslut with an axe to grind experience to share, jokes to tell and time on my hands. Lots and lots of time on my hands. Please forward any and all complaints to my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Just kidding, show us some love! What the hell else am I going to do while I’m at work this week, but catch up on your comments.

Isn’t she amazing? I will make her proud as Cuddleslut 2.oh. Happy Week, lovers. xoxo

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