This Is Your Dream.

Wake up one day and realize that as much as you love your family and friends, the only person you can count on is you. Wear heels at all times. Swagger.  Step on toes to get ahead. Do things you aren’t proud of. Blame it on the “industry”, blame it on “fashion”, blame it on the rain-but never take responsibility. It’s never your fault-this is your dream. Focus on the superficial. Diet, work out, shop, have cosmetic procedures done at a young age like it’s your job. Disillusion yourself to believe that it IS your job to look a certain way. Perfect the once over and the smirk. Feel a weird pang in your heart when you visit your parents and they don’t recognize you based on your attitude. Dismiss this. Stop talking to friends you grew up with, because you can’t believe they could possibly be happy at 21, married and pregnant. Meet new people, tons of new people, everyday. Reinvent yourself and shed skins of days past-never reveal you are the daughter of a former pastor and your hair hasn’t always looked so perfect.

Work. Work hard. Get THE job. You’re an executive at one of the worlds most well known fashion brands.  Your thoughts count. Spend your days in meetings with VP’s, CEO’s and Directors fighting for the creative side in a corporation-easier said than done. Witness things you only thought existed in movies. Get screamed at, have calendars thrown at you, get called horrible names, listen to lies being told by your boss and avert your eyes, while wondering how the hell you’re supposed to respect her later. Laugh at yourself for thinking your thoughts counted. Watch quietly as your work friends who aren’t in these meetings get thrown under the bus. Do not defend them.  Never once stop to think all this madness is ridiculous, that you don’t deserve this, instead berate yourself for not having a thicker skin. This is your dream.

After the meetings are over, walk back to your office with your team. Notice how silent everyone is. Or, if you’re lucky enough, walk back to your office alone. Cry.  Silently. When the building security guard stops you to check for your security badge (which you refuse to wear because it’s fugly) scream at him. Tell him to go fuck himself. Apologize profusely. Cry harder, tell him he is such a nice guy and you know he was only doing his job and you are so sorry and you never do that but that meeting was the worst and you’ll never forget your badge again and how is his wife?

Become so ashamed of yourself.  Leave the building in a daze. Sit in your car and call a friend you trust, listen to her go on and lecture you about how you should never go back, you can find another job, “ELIZABETH THIS IS INSANE LISTEN TO YOURSELF”. She doesn’t understand, this is your dream. Decide not to listen to her, or yourself, and instead, toughen up. Go back in, refusing to feel like failure.

Get invited to more parties, networking events and openings than you can possibly attend. Forget about the hell of the work day as you bypass the lines and say, “Im on the list” in your perfected tone, dragging your girls with you, wearing a new dress you “borrowed” from the sample closet. Wonder if your girls would be hanging out with you if it weren’t for all the perks. You learned that trusting girls and living this dream do not go hand in hand. Laugh. Dance. Drink. Talk shit on all the guys in their deep V American Apparel shirts showing more cleav than you.

Back at work the next day, conduct interviews, model castings and meet with editors from Vogue, In Style and Elle. Walk through the lobby to greet them with such an air of self importance it will, when blogging about it a few years later, make you want to vom. Watch how they look at you, get off on the envy. Feel embarrassed writing this now.

Start to really dislike yourself and feel your anxiety soar. You have lost yourself. Do not blame it on the industry, fashion, or the rain. Blame yourself. Take responsibility. Make changes. Cut ties. Recognize you can’t undo the damage overnight…There are repercussions for your actions, patterns you’ll have to break. Know that underneath the 5 inch heels and hair and makeup and clothes, you’re a nice girl with a big heart. Find solace in that, hold on to that in the times when you feel lost the most. Feel the disappointment in yourself.  Embrace it.  Allow it to make you want to, need to be better.

Reinvent yourself again…re-pave your road, not just with mascara but with a vision of what kind of person you want to be. Decide not to run away from fashion, IT IS YOUR DREAM, but become determined to run things your way. Wear heels at all times. Your thoughts DO count. Work. Work HARD. Always remember that day you screamed at a security guard as one of your worst moments but never forget it. Forgive yourself.  Remember what you love about fashion. Continue to make fun of guys wearing deep V American Apparel shirts who show more cleav than you. Struggle with female relationships, and work on breaking that pattern. Hold on to the girls you can trust and never let them go. Start writing and sharing your experiences and the little things you love with the world. Swagger. Evolve. Love.

It’s all part of MY dream.

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