You guys…I am NOT 19. I thought I had sarcasm on lock, but some of you, BLESS YOUR HEARTS, thought I just turned 19. Nasomuch…
All this 19 talk got me thinking, and I’m finally breaking through the raging case of bloggers block I’ve had this week. I am someone who is always looking ahead, learning, moving on, closing chapters, shutting, sometimes slamming, doors in an effort to just get on with it. I don’t think I realized what a defining year 19 was for me until all your comments brought it up, so thanks for the blogspiration, betches. 
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another, unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, of fix us in the present. We are made of layers, cells, constellations.”
The Diary of Anaïs Nin Vol. 4 (1971); as quoted in Journal of Phenomenological Psychology Vol. 15 (1984)
When I was 19, I was going to school and shopping like it was my job, because I had more money than I knew what to do with. I was a cocktail server and quickly learned how to flirt my way to $100 tips on a $12 bar tab. I didn’t have to worry about pesky things like rent or car insurance, and my father was a phone call away if I ever “needed” anything. I grew up going to church on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings and suddenly, I didn’t have to anymore-not to mention this was on the tail end of some very personal incidences that would leave me forever questioning organized religion. When I was 19, I was seeking the antithesis of what my entire life had been, and I found the perfect catalyst for this in the form of a tall, dark and handsome ASU grad who wore Abercrombie and Fitch from head to toe, lived in San Diego and manipulated the shit out of me. I fell in love of course (because who can resist that), a love that would lift me up to heaven and then kick me down to hell, sometimes in the same week, same day, same hour. The every other day heartbreak caused me to stop eating, and taught me how to self medicate with strawberry Arbor Mist while watching Road Rules. It also taught me that my body, and sex, could be used as a weapon. This relationship would go on until I was 21, when I would finally, to the relief of all my friends and family, slam the door on his chapter of my life.
Another man changed my life when I was 19, but he would do so in his death. My step-father passed away, and this was my first encounter with death and grief. I witnessed my Mom, my everything, crumble because she had lost her soul-mate suddenly and tragically, while he was in Switzerland on business. I remember wondering how she could love someone so much and becoming terrified that I too, someday, would love someone that much and then lose him. I still have this fear, which becomes evident in my anxiety if my boyfriend doesn’t call me when he is traveling. When I was 19, my best friend moved to Northern California, which isn’t bad AT ALL, but at the time, at that age, it seemed so far away. Years later, I would be the maid of honor at her wedding and realize that the friends who matter are the ones whose distance from you doesn’t. When I was 19, I had so many opportunities, dreams, goals, ideas. Some I would accomplish, some I let fly by because I was just too busy being…nineteen.
I still have so many opportunities, dreams, goals and ideas. Some I still let pass me by. I still question organized religion, but treasure my faith. ASU guy is a very distant memory, but the lessons I learned about love, and myself, in that relationship are still fresh, and I hope I never forget them. My Mom is fabulous, and has taught me that a love like the one she had is worth having, even if you lose it too soon and that I can’t control everything, as much as I would love to. My dad is still a phone call away if I need anything, although these days I call him because I want to, not because I want something. My boyfriend gets in trouble if he doesn’t call me when he travels. I no longer self medicate with Arbor Mist through a straw, I’m mature now, people. It’s all about a bottle of Pinot Noir while watching Jersey Shore. Nothing like the sweet, sweet smell of progress.
But I can’t walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch without wanting to vom.
Back to my regular posting schedule on Monday, after VegasVegasVegas!
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I feel so stupid now…swore you were 19. How old are you??
Have fun in Vegas!
29
Vegas?? Without MOI????
I will forgive you as long as you lick my face extra hard when we do it (twss) in May.
P.S. Scope out all the hawt places.
Nothing like the sweet smell of progress indeed.
Oh to be 19 again…. I am not sure that I would go back there again! lol
Glad you’re back my friend!
i’m so sorry to hear about your step dad. it’s all a part of growing up, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
somedays i wish i could be 19 again…or 9 and just play with my barbies and have carefree summer days, but then again, growing up and finding something new is fun too.
p.s.-a&f has the same vomit inducing affect on me too….for different reasons, but still
Haha- I had no idea people took you seriously about that! Loved this post though! I can’t believe you remember that much about that age- I feel like the older we get the more the years before just mesh together! You are amazing and that you are so honest about your past. Hope you are having a great day love XOXO
love that***
& this is why you’re my long lost soul sister-
I laughed – I cried – & I found myself in you!
Change & growth are progressional- we both have come a long way!
Love you!
Just think, when you’re 40, people will think you look like you’re 30
Have fun in Vegas! I’m super jealous.
Have so much fun in Vegas and celebrate the 10 yr anniversary of turning 19 in style
P.S. I am still waiting on your review of this new age so I can decide if it is really for me in June.
Hahaha! Well, you could pass for 19 Liz. Love this post… so deep! I remember a lot of things when I was 19. I’d had my share of unfortunate experiences too but those made me stronger and a better person. I’m in the prime of my life now… soon I won’t be able to do outfit posts because old age will creep in. But I don’t have regrets… I love Kris Allen’s song… Live like We’re Dying. I’m babbling. Hahaha! Enjoy Vegas sweetie!
This is why you’re my long lost soul sister-
I laughed – I cried – & I found pieces of myself in you!
Change & Growth are progressional- that’s for certain & you & I have come a long way!!
Love you
& have a great time in Vegas- I wish I could go too!!
I had my first major heartbreak when I was 19 and I thought that was the end of everything. It took me less than a year to get over him though. And moved on…to more exciting things…
I wish I were 19 with the knowledge I have now…
gosh you amaze me! you are such a great writer liz. this was so beautifully written, and it made me think about when i was 19…i had a lot of similar experiences! anyway, thanks for sharing this. you are incredible! love you lots!
Paint Vegas Unbeweavably red, my love!!
i love reading your words. you are a truly beautiful woman inside and out, liz. your step-father’s passing while he was on business in switzerland really struck a chord with me. my step-father adopted me when i turned 18 and he is swiss. he travels to switzerland at least once every two months… and i am constantly worrying. i am so incredibly sorry for your loss, especially when you were really at the crossroads of adulthood in your life. thank you for sharing so much of what makes you YOU.
i love you, you sexy “19″ year old you!! lol
I’m not sure I would want to return back to 19… such an unsure age…
Glad you are back… but Vegas? Have FUN!!!!!
Wow, what a post. Seriously made me think. You have such clarity looking back and to be able to write like this…..
You are amazing girl, the best!
xxx
Yay to progress! Have fun in Vegas! =D
Have fun in Vegas! This was a great post, what I could tell my 19 year old self…so many things!!!
I think you can still pass for 19, sweets.
& I love this “inside look into your life” postage!
There were exactly 19 comments when I came to leave this one! I kind of hated screwing that up, but I figured, “If not me someone else will!”, so WHO BETTER THAN ME? Really? I’m good at screwing shit up!
You certainly had an eventful year at 19! 19 was a similar year for me as I definitely went through a lot – I had a minor battle with depression, self-medicated with wine in a box (classy, I know), and cried over guy after guy. It was a tough year but I guess it’s what you learn from it all that matters.
Umm, so jealous about Vegas. Please post lots of pics and describe fabulous places in great detail!
Ahhhhhhhh, to go back in time…I was a bit of a mess at 19 and so not comfortable in my own skin. Amen for progress and the goodness that is the Jersey Shore!
=) I absolutely adore the confusion of the internet…and you!
YAY!!!!!
This one was well worth the wait.
Was Abercrombie & Dick the one you ran in to in Barnes & Noble that day?? Or was that someone else?
Looking forward to a phone date soon ; )
hahaha i love that people believed you. its because youre so hottt! have fun in vegas [fist pumps!]
awe i wish i was 19 lol!!
I may have wished you a happy 19th birthday and I was like no way she is 19 with everything she talks about. That was almost 1o years ago for me. ha ha…happy birthday anyhow babe. LOVE YOU and loved this post!
ha oh to be 19 again… let’s not go there
A&F makes me want to vom too. have fun in vegas darlin!
LOVE the post. Glad to have you back girly
Learn so much about you, from you, about myself THROUGH you. Have fun in Vegas baby! See you in A WEEK!!!
It’s amazing how much things change… This post reminds me of a horribly disfunctional relationship I was in at 19. As awful as it was to have to go through that, it is what shapes us to make us the women we are today. And you should be damn proud of the woman you’ve blossomed into, positively inspiring women all over the world
Okay honestly I was like did someone hi-jack Elizabeth’s blog? I could have sworn you were older & then I started being like WOA she did all of that at 19?? I wish i was her. You still awesome at any age. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I’m not sure I commented on the other but yeah HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I don’t know how to say how EXACTLY I understand about what you said about being in heaven and hell in the same hour & day. That happened when i was 20. I hear ya too about slamming doors. We push forward and becoming a stronger person!! Im sorry to hear bout your step-dad. Loss is never easy. I have the aniexty too about losing a love. I think it makes us human to have that angst.
Well I seem to have written a book here, Im sorry hehe. Glad your back, Happy birthday & just rock it girl!! Keep on rrocking!
great post, love Anias Nin
You’re not 19? Whaaaa? jk, I would hate you for life if you were this awesome of a 19 year old, that’s just too much.
I really love your cooking stalking idea, it’s a lot less creepy than most ways you could stalk me (not that I’d mind one bit).
PS I’m going to vegas in a month, surprise me by being there then too.
loves you!
you really are an amazing writer! And you’re so mature! I can tell just by the way you wrote this how much you’ve learned and how you appreciate life so much. And by the way I think all guys at ASU are like that..no good!
xox
(love you and missed you LOTS!)
girl i love your honesty and that you shared this. nineteen had plenty of lessons to be learned and each one has helped me grow to who i am now. thank heavens for the ability to learn from our mistakes.
love you – have fun in VEGAS!
What a sweet little story. I loved reading it.
People honestly thought you were 19? Adorable. You look it, but you had mentioned before you were mid-twentish. LOL. That must’ve brightened your day!!
I love this and I love your 19 year old self. I love it even more that we got to talk about your stepdad, my dad and the love and loss of our mom while getting ready in your bathroom. And that was before I mentioned that I had to poop my pants. Hmmm… Maybe I shouldn’t have written that. Do you know of any Web MD open forums I can talk about my poopy pants with? Or my funny eye? Oh, wait. That wasn’t me. I’m on a roll, bug.
That’s what the distance has done to me.
I can’t fucking wait ’til Friday. TFFS.
Moms. Plural. I’m going to Web MD asap.
Someone on Web MD just hit on me. Shut it down!
We grow partially. Love that. Every day is something different and that’s the beauty of life. Have fun in Vegas sweetie!
I loved being 19, i finished school, felt like the queen of the world, rocked the nights, no party without me, I was on the guestlist every night at the best clubs, started fashion school, had hundred of (fake) friends and a broken heart but it didn’t matter as I was so sure that I had the best time of my life, gosh sometimes I wish I would be 19 again….
I wish you the best time in Vegas, gorgeous! Rock it!!!
Life’s lessons learned. I know people twenty years older than you who haven’t taken away as much from their experiences. Life is fluid; there’s a certain ebb and flow in which we’ll move forward, then have setbacks (often major) in which we feel like we’re either back to zero or worse off than before. These are our defining moments, the times in which we grow the most through death, lost love and other hardships. We become stronger and wiser because of them, and discover who we are in the process. It seems we never stop questioning, and we shouldn’t.
You’ve grown so much in a relatively short time. With posts like this, I find there are always things I can learn about and from you. I’ve always loved your insights and introspection Liz.
xoxo
I am so loving your Wordpress…
I love how you share that growing is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. Everything we wish for and dreams we want to fulfill, will happen eventually, it doesn’t have to happen right away, all at once..
Love this post doll – and HAVE AN EFFING AWESOME TIME IN VEGASSS!!
XOXO
Jersey shore and wine make a great combonation!! I was so similar at 19, but when I think back I often cringe!!
xoxo
Love this post. =) Feel like I was 19 again. Have fun in Vegas!
Aww! You brought me back to an interesting time in my life. 19 was interesting to say the least, but 26 has proven to be quite the challenge for me as well ;o) And thank God those days of Arbor Mist and cheap frat house beer are over!
Hav fun in Vegas!!
Your blog is looking gorgeous, Liz!
And this post is sooooo true. Plus it reminds me of the song “Hey Nineteen” by Steely Dan!
xoxox,
CC
“which becomes evident in my anxiety if my boyfriend doesn’t call me when he is traveling”
I have that same issue. My best friend died almost 2 years ago now and it has changed everything for me. My boyfriend has a heart condition so when I don’t hear from him hours at a time and he’s traveling or supposed to be home already I freak. He knows now never to leave me in the dark because I will literally worry myself to tears.
OK so I am SO glad you commented on my blog yesterday because now that you have this new fab blog and domain, it was no longer showing in my reader!! AHHH. I fixed it now…
That Anais Nin quote is amazing, btw.
Oh to be 19 again. That was a fun year for me as well. I live about 20 minutes from the border of Canada and it is LEGAL to drink at 19 in Canada so I recall (or don’t recall for that matter) many a nights spent in that country having fun.
And $100 tips on a $12 bar tab?! Do teach me your ways lil’ lady.
ps- this story of your life is magical. I know that sounds so silly and stupid and cheesy but really do adore it. <3 you Valentine.
I thought you had just had a typo, sarcasm-detection fail and all that. I kind of loved this post. I like seeing how the people I know became the kickass individuals I know today.
Oh 19, a year of love, heartbreak, depression, and a rather unhealthy amount of booze to cope. Not good times. Then again that was only 3 years ago so perhaps a little more hindsight is needed here.
I want to be nineteen again now! What a great post. I went through a lot that year, too. I was from a small town, and it was the first time I moved far away from home and family and friends. It was hard like whoa, but I learned a lot that year. Nineteen was definitely a growing year. Hope you’re having a great week! I love the new blog!
I LOVE how this post is written, girl, can you write! You definately have a way with words – nothing to add! Thank you for such great inspiring and honest post.
& Happy Belated Birthday to you!
Hey, I’m glad you commented me so I knew you came here! Sounds like 19 was a growing (/rough) year for you. I’m glad you came through it stronger and wiser instead of the alternative.
Alrighty LADY! Look at me, posting here, ON YOUR BLOG and stuff. <3 That's how you know its true love, sucker.
I heart this post, and here's why: It's sincere, vulnerable and retrospective. It's how we get to know each other. I get so bored with blogs that are ALL HA-HA, ALL THE TIME — and it's a nice change of pace to be reminded there is a real live human RIGHT behind that monitor.
<3
This blog is so honest and insightful. Truly inspirational
ah, heartbreak. i don’t know what i’d do if i had to date again…have fun in vegas!
I wish I hadn’t spent most of 19 drunk so I could write about it.
You’re a rad lil chica! THANKS!
Hello dear. Congrats to you too award buddy. (: !!
My darling! I was wondering were you went and then I check and I find out you moved. =)
I’m both change and the same as I was two years ago. I’ve learned that life doesn’t follow a plan or any sort of reason. My dreams are still the same, though more developed, and my hopes are still tainted by cynicism.
Love Anaïs Nin, just love her.
Have fun in Vegas you 19 year old you! What’s this about a boyfriend? So excited for you and so much has changed for me too…some things I wish I could change, but hey, then I might not be me as much. Sad story about your mom but encouraging at the same time – she has such strength. Have fun love!
Aww, it’s kind of sweet though that ppl thought you were 19. It seems like 19 it’s a big year for a lot of ppl. It was for me! Wow, I’ve grown up a lot since then. Good things seem to be coming my way. Crossing my fingers and mama’s praying a novena! XOXO–A
I can’t remember, did I think you were 19? Probably, I’m super gullible. You’re 29? You’re only a year away from me! Well, you will be after tomorrow anyway.
Did you take that pic btw? It’s really pretty and I’m in love with it.
Sounds like 19 was quite the year!
I Fell someting like you .when I was 19,my mom left me forever,that ,no words can discribe my mood,suffing,hopeless,numb ,even I thought of death..I saw my mom’s gone with my own eyes,But I could do nothing ,helpless.I Cried ,cried ,just like a baby who want mother’s hug , at last i cried too much ,so that I have no tear…
and 3 years passed ,how time flies.. I miss my mom ,I always walk among the crowd aimlessly,just to seek someone ,I still have a wild wish that someday ,I will reunite with my mom.
Where ARE YOU!!!! I thought you were coming to NYC???
Vegas? Again? Dude! I need to get out there soon!
LIZ!!!
I have been freaking out thinking you were dead for the last two weeks! My google reader has not been updating your blog!
I just freaked out realizing that you have been missing from my life for the last two weeks and realized I’m the one who’s been missing. So sorry!
How are you? I miss you, obviously.
Hope you are well…must now stalk you and see what what I’ve been missing.
XOXO,
Erin
Ohh…I never changed your site when you went to wordpress. I missed so much! catching up now.
bad people and bad times can make us better people!
You are one better person…I know it!
xoxo Happy Belated Birthday. I knew you were not 19…but girl…you could pass for 19 with that beautiful look!
you are such a beautiful writer. that post touched my heart because i know exactly what you mean. ive definitely been there done that and luckily lived to tell the story. at times, a certain guy still has an effect on me.. but i guess someone that touched your heart in an amazing and bad way will always stick with you. what you learn from it is everything.
loves.
whoa. i can totally relate to a death at a younger age (I was 24 and it was my dad) but if I barely made it then, you are a tough cookie for making it at a much more vulnerable age.
I hope this doesn’t come off as inappropriate on your serious blog post- but i had fun meeting you, too
Love this post! I feel so much closer to you now
I hope Vegas was ah-mazing! Can’t wait to read about it!!
i loved this post.
so important to remember to look back and see where we’ve come from. sound like you’ve done a lot of growing up….. and for the record, i agree with you…..
pinot noir + jersey shore = way more mature than strawberry arbor mist with a straw + road rules
.
you are a beautiful girl, and all of these experiences good or bad have shaped who you are, and for that all of your readers are glad
.
hope you had a great weekend.
{Lauren}
Hope you’re having a blast, lovely! And I can’t wait to read what comes next.
Chica, this was a lovely post. I loved the Anais Nin moment, the voming near the A and F store…and the upgrate to pinot noir. Lemme lemme upgradeya!
Kisses
I’m glad you’ve been able to justify your age-prevention purchases! I gave you a blog award, check out my blog for details
Have a great time in Vegas and SF!
Hope you had an amazing time in Vegas!
i’m 19 now and i loved reading this..thanks for the perspective!
ps: come enter my alice in wonderland giveaway, darling! xo
The greatest moral of any story: a bottle of Pinot and Jersey Shore – oh yes, the sweet sweet taste of success. I’m glad you have your priorities straight (and I’m as serious as a heart attack). It is about the things that make you happy and you’re so right, gosh if I think about the things that were a big deal when I was 19 – things change SO much from then to now!
Darling, I can’t walk by Abercrombie without heaving either. And now I have an extra reason to want to projective vom everywhere.
We all learn and grow from our choices and life circumstances. Your life and the ups and downs have just transformed you into such a beautiful, caring, fabulous woman who has so much to offer everyone around you. You are a kind soul, who truly cares about people, and I love you for it, even though we may not speak as much as we used to (you’re tres popular now, darling!). You’re fabulous, and I can’t wait to hear how your journey progresses =)
cute cute blog!
xoxo.
Great post, my dear – something I think most of us can relate to, though I self-medicated with cheap liquor because once upon a time I couldn’t stand anything that remotely resembled vino. Little did I know that Arbor Mist bore more of a resemblance to Capri Sun than Cabernet…
I am so sorry that I missed your post saying you’ve shifted here..but I’m glad I found you!
Grief is horrid to us, but essential to learn so much.
I hope you’ve been affected by it in a positive way.
xx
how funny…19 was a very pivotal year for me, too. i broke up w/the guy everyone thought i “should” end up marrying, made some difficult, life altering decisions, and met Mister with the intention of it being a fling. we’ve been in an 11 yr fling ever since. haha
love u mama…hope u had a fab fab fab bday!
The urge to throw up while passing A & F might also be indicative of their heinous smelling cologne.
Best. Post. Ever.
LOVED it. Good wine & Jersey Shore? You’re my type of girl!
I had major life changes at 19. I definitely understand how your whole world changes suddenly and it seems like everything becomes a major deal. Keep up the great writing!
Hey there.! I have something for you on my blog.! Check it out.!
well you’ve done and accomplished so much at your young age =) … i always look forward to those little sarcasm-funny-with-a-hint-of-reality inserts you have on your posts – this last one – “I’m mature now, people. It’s all about a bottle of Pinot Noir while watching Jersey Shore. Nothing like the sweet, sweet smell of progress.” – got me cracking up!
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